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Today was the day to get the school shit sorted out.  My husband and I went to both the kids’ schools and got everything straightened out.  We went to the house and I was trying to pet the pig and the little shit bit me.  He bit my husband too last night.  Gotta figure out what’s up with that biting thing.

After all the school stuff was taken care of I asked him if it’s ok that we talk now.  He said for a few.  I told him how I did a lot of thinking and writing when I was in partial.  That I’m finally in a good place mentally-that I’m on a good medication combo and that I have clarity for the first time in my life.  I told him how sorry I am for what I did and didn’t do, and that he had to take the brunt of all of it.  I am sorry that I am such a hard person to live with.  But I miss him, I miss my husband and I miss our family.  I cried and he handed me a napkin-he would never have done that before-and I just kept repeating how sorry I am.  And I don’t want to throw in the towel on our marriage.  It’s been 11 years.  I’m not the same person as I was a year ago, and neither is he.  And I get that.  But would he think about giving me another chance?  He said he didn’t know what to say.  That he’s content right now and that he could see himself alone for the rest of his life.  And I have to accept that if that’s his decision, that’s his decision.  And I said you haven’t exactly been, what’s the word?  He said proactive and I said yes, about getting divorced.  He said I’m just trying to survive, and I said I know, but if things end, you need to step up and be their dad.  NSLM NEEDS his dad right now.  I don’t understand 13-year-old boys.  I understand 8-year-old girls.  He said he would try.  I told him that even after everything he’s still a good man and a hard worker and a good dad and I admire that about him.  I don’t think he was expecting that.  And he’s going to come see the kids Wednesday after their first day of school, and get them Friday for their weekend with him.  I cried some more, apologized some more, and said, please, just think about it.  The fact he said he will think about it, but I may not like the answer is honest.  I’m not really going to get my hopes up too much, but I could definitely use some positive thoughts, vibes, and prayers right now.

I put it all on the line.  It’s out of my hands now, and all I can do it wait…

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