I wanted to do a post about what’s really being going with me these last few weeks and right now I can’t. I can’t because I am in a bad head space-I’m angry and tired and frustrated and sad and hurt and angry (yes I KNOW I said it already) and confused and pretty much every negative emotion out there right now. All because my kids have gotten attitudes and I’m getting the “I know-a” and the “HMPH” and “grrrrr” and I swear to the heavens I’m about 5 seconds away from snapping and busting some mouths.
I need a break from my kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love the unconditionally and I will die for them-but I’ve reached a petty point where “it’s not fair their dad doesn’t do shit while I have them 85% of the time. I sacrifice for them-in ways no one will ever be able fathom unless you’ve been there. It’s not fair that he gets to use the “I work 12 hours a day and I don’t have gas because I pay all the bills and I’m tired” line to NOT be a parent. FFS grow the fuck up asshole. Yes I “spread my legs and had kids” (quote directly from him) but I’m not the one going out every fucking free moment I have to bars and riding my bike downtown and doing God knows what else because he fucking can.
Fuck that. And fuck you. I need a fucking break. You can fucking deal with the shit I deal with in a daily basis and THEN you can come at me about being tired. Fuck you with a barbed wire dildo with no lube. I want my 2 week vacation from my job-a job that is under appreciated, has no pay and almost ZERO respect because it’s not “working”. Mother fucker PUH-LEEZE! You couldn’t handle 1/8 of what I do daily. Because OBVIOUSLY there’s still a fucking nasty ass pile of clothes on the floor from who KNOWS when. The kids’ rooms are disaster zones-and they are there 48 hours every two weeks! That’s 96 hours a month! No fucking REASON for that shit. If you’re home as much as you SAY you are, then that house should look better than when we were ALL there.
Yes, I’m fucking ranting. I’m gritting my teeth and I feel like punching someone or even stabbing then with my spork-and not the “new and improved” one. Fuck give me a god damned grapefruit spoon to scoop out the hearts of thine enemies. I’m just…just…I’m fucking spent. I am tired of being the care taker and still being told it’s not good enough while he sits in “his” house with “his” truch and “his” trailer and “his” bike and his other truck and ANOTHER vehicle while I’m on food stamps to help supplement my parents food bill, asking for gas money and my Inlaws to help with the kids school supplies. It’s complete and utter bullshit.
I’m not quite to the rage but I’m pretty pissed the fuck off. I’m just so fucking tired-emotionally, mentally and physically. Why am I the bad person for doing whatever it takes to care for my kids??
I took 2 klonopin on top of the buspar-and idgaf right now because I just want to forget how I feel right now. I don’t want to be numb, but I want to erase this negative energy of emotions. I can’t even cry from the anger I feel. Fuck this shit. *drops mic* Over it.