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And now, the continuing saga of “The Medi-Go-Round”.

So after the Zoloft rash and switching to Celexa and adding in the Buspar and Wellbutrin, I had yet ANOTHER reaction to a med.  This time is was the Celexa.  Great, just fucking GREAT!  

I hadn’t slept through the night in about a month.  I tried taking the Celexa in the morning, but I needed a nap.  Switched to night time.  It helped me fall asleep, but it didn’t help me STAY asleep.  I woke up once every night.  A few days ago I started the twitching like I did on the Latarda.  And the twitching woke me up from my sleep.  I mean, ffs I just want BASELINE!!  And then, guess what??  If you guessed a rash, you get to take a ride on the magical Isporkacorn of Common Sense.  I woke up Wednesday from the twitching and took a shower and LOW AND BEHOLD I started itching.  This time it was my arms-and of AAAAALLLLLL fucking places-my arm pits.  WTF?!  So I used my exfoliating scrub in the shower, damn near scrubbing my skin off, and I get out and there they are-HIVES!  On my arms and my arm pits.  COME ON! I’m fucking med sensitive now?!  Ffs I can’t catch a break with my meds!

I’m not being non compliant. I am taking the meds and giving them time to get into my system.  I’m not finding reasons/excuses to NOT take the meds to get to my baseline.  The Saphrys gave me suicudal thoughts.  I was over medicated on the Trileptal and had such a HORRID reaction to the Latuda.  I developed a rash from the Zoloft requiring a 330 am ER visit which then lead to Prednisone induced mania.  Depakote makes me manic.  Lithium made me tired and they never checked my levels.  Lamictal caused a psychotic episode and I got the sweet tooth side effect (seriously, it is a fucking side effect!).  Lexapro made me sleep 14 hours.  Ability caused a 30 pound weight gain. The Buspar and Klonopin are helping with the irritation and agitation, but I’ve noticed in the 2 days I’ve not had another antidepressant I’m slipping.  Things are setting me off again.  

All these med failures make me feel like I’m a failure for not responding to the meds.  I know it’s not my fault, that it’s my body and brain chemistry working AGAINST each other rather than WITH each other.  It’s so fucking frustrating.  To top it all off, I’m STILL waiting on a final decision about my work comp case.  I’m broke as fuck, my car needs a new CV joint, I need gas and there are still some supplies NSLM needs/wants for his classes.  (I am very impressed with all of his teachers this year, as well as Monkey’s teacher, so that helps tremendously).  Next week is Monkey’s surprise birthday party at Hot Skates, and both In-Laws are coming from Michigan.  *They divorced and both remarried, and I love them so much!*. Monkey has NO idea about her birthday.  Yes I know, tangent.  Whatever-My Blog, My Rules.  

I just…I’m TIRED of feeling like this.  But I’m still here, fighting tooth and fucking nail.  I don’t want and shiny happy harpies telling me to think positive and blah blah blah.  Go choke on your rainbows.  Let me wallow for a little bit ffs.  All the power of mindfulness and positive thinking ain’t gonna change the fact my brain is fuckered up.  When I die, I’m donating it to science, and being cremated and my ashes spread somewhere I have yet to travel.  I’m still alive and living and I’m gonna fucking live to the best life I fucking can-defective brain and all.  

Morgue, spin the Medi-Go-Round and see what med it says to try next.  “Preferably something that will make my unborn children grow gills.”  (Name that movie)