I am filled with an overwhelming sense of grief. It is wrapping its cold embrace around me, pulling me close in an effort to control and contain me. I am trying to fight, to pull away from it, yet at the same time I want to lean into it and let it consume me.
How do I fight for something when I don’t know what it is that I’m exactly fighting for? Or against?! I am so tired, so very exhausted at the fighting and being strong and being the one to take the brunt of it all. I want a break-I NEED a break from all this fighting. I am tired of the struggling to find a steady ground on which to walk. On one side of me is the chasm of depression that I admire in a sick way. On the other side is the mountain I try to climb to reach a base camp and rest. Why am I always the bad one when I say I need a break, that I need to rest and reset and take time out for myself while others are allowed to do what they want without regard to others and the consequences of their actions or non-actions?! It’s not fair.
I have worked SO HARD to get to a good and healthy place, to take care of myself to the best of my ability, to care for my children as best as I can, and I constantly feel as if I am being punished for what I didn’t do or how I acted while unstable. It’s not FAIR to hold that against me. It’s my past, and I have learned from it. I have grown and matured and worked HARD to change. Why am I not recognized and praised for that work and growth?? This is when the arms of grief envelop me, to drag me into the pit of despair and throw me into the chasm of depression. Why is it wrong to WANT to stay in these arms for a while? It seems it is the only comfort I have right now.
And the only way to fight is to distract myself…but it’s always there, behind my, lightly touching me with its cold fingertips letting me know that at any time I can turn around and fall into that embrace.
I sit and a cry and it does nothing but make me feel worse. I can get angry and let it fuel my determination to change things, but I’m stuck on the perpetual hamster wheel going nowhere while I sit and wait on things out of my control. I am in a constant state of limbo-in my “marriage”, in the finality of my work comp case in order to apply for help to get a new job and possibly medical care for my shoulder. IT’S NOT FAIR!
Yes, I know life isn’t fair. I’ve been dealt a shitty hand of cards, but I’ve gotten so well at bluffing to win the pot just to survive….I don’t want to survive anymore. I want to live and enjoy my life.
I am constantly enabled by my well-meaning family, but when I really need to open up about how I am feeling, I am immediately shut down and shut off because they don’t want to hear it. They don’t understand the constant internal chaos I deal with on a daily basis, a chaos I did not choose to live and have. It was thrust upon me by genetics and environment, by no support when I needed guidance the most as a young girl. Perpetually alone, seeking attention in any way possible, being shunned and shoved aside by family and “friends”. “Friends” that used me for their gratification and I knew no better. I am tired of extending my hand at friendships and relationships to only be turned away when I need support.
Grief envelopes me once more. This time I’m going to stay in its embrace for a while.
I wrote this earlier on my walk around the addition. Last night my mood tanked in record time, and I couldn’t put a finger onto what it was I was exactly feeling. The kids’ dad came over to bring their bath stuff they forgot, and he noticed I wasn’t right. I just told him I’m trying to figure “this” out. I didn’t say anymore than that. I didn’t nag or question or plead. I told him I need money. He said he does too. I said I have no gas to get the kids to school. He gave me $20 which I was very appreciative of, but at the time, it felt like an insult. This morning I was finally able to discern what it was. I felt grief in such an overwhelming sense that I almost succumbed to it. I had a rough emotional night, and I want to thank Neurochemically Challenged for talking to me through my rough spot last night, and letting me know that it will pass and tomorrow is a new day.
Today I woke up and got NSLM up to shower then off to school. I tried to wake Monkey up before I left since she asked me to last night so she could take a shower. I took a Buspar before leaving the house. I actually drove sanely this morning, although so assfuck just about got IN my ass and was almost brake-checked. Look, I know I’m supposed to be the bigger person, but when you’re riding my ass because you wanna race a 5.0 Mustang with race tires on and you’re driving a little Mazda, I don’t tolerate idiocy. Fucker. Came back home and got Monkey up to take her shower and fed her breakfast, all the while I couldn’t sit or stand still. I was antsy, the hive of bees buzzing loudly enough to discourage coherent thoughts. I took her to school, came back and I had so much anxious energy coursing through my body, that I took a walk around the addition. And I wrote in my iNotes while listening to Hozier, and just feeling all of the emotions tied to grief. I wanted to cry, to release it and feel better, but the tears wouldn’t come. At least today I am awake and not asleep like I’ve been doing for the past couple of weeks. Take kids to school, come home, be slightly productive, nap, pick kids up, feel as if I’m going through the motions of life-not really FEELING anything in particular, then going to bed. It’s a horrid existence, living with a mental illness that most don’t accept because it can’t be “seen”. So fuck all the fucking idiots and nay-sayers, the non-believers and the haters. I’m tired of having to prove myself to you and your perfect societal box of bullshit. I will not be a Stepford Wife, I will not be one of the sheeple, and I will not do the drug zombie shuffle just to make YOU comfortable. I’m not compromising or changing myself any fucking more.