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i am so lost and bereft.  The kids’ dad came by to look at my car and I offered him dinner in exchange.  It was nice to feel “normal” if even for a brief moment in time…

I told him that I am tired of being in limbo.  Almost 17 months.  You wanted a break like we are in high school.  You got pissed when I moved to fast.  You don’t help me financially for the kids while we live with my parents.  I asked if he had any other kids, because HEY!  You aren’t supporting these two.  He gave me the “are you crazy out of your mind” look.  I said no, really.  He said I haven’t had sex.  I said I’m not talking about since we’ve been separated.  And you’re a damb liar if you haven’t fucked anybody since I’ve been out of the house.  He said no, but something is still nagging me.  My gut, “The Tingle” “My Hinky Feeling” says something is very off.  He said he told his dad he can see himself being single and happy for the rest of his life and dying alone.  I said ok, let’s get divorced then.  You obviously have no intention on attempting to make another try so why not be don’t with it.  The look on his face…you’d thought I’d just shot his cat with his bow.  He didn’t think I’d have the balls to say it.  So he counters with “I’ve just been trying to maintain”.  Maintain what?  You make TWICE what I made when I was working.  Now somehow you have no money?  Something is very off.  He’s quick to point out that no one is paying his bills-no ones paying mine either.  I’ve got shit in collections I can’t pay because I have a real and legitimate reason for being unable to work.  Didn’t want to hear that.  He said I’m paying the kids medical bills and your insurance and I said that’s the ducking LEAST you can do since you give me zero help.  You don’t help support the kids my fucking parents do.  He said I don’t see you paying the mortgage here. I said no but I put food in the house with my food stamps because I don’t get child support.  And trust me, it’s not enough but I do my best.  Then he wants to bring up Florida and all that shit.  And I told him you were the one that threw a big fucking hissy about my weekends that changed and he said I don’t remember.  I said I do-I have the text messages to prove it.  And I did the child support calculator too-and he cut me off saying he didn’t want to hear that.  Of course not. When he’s wrong he doesn’t want to hear it.  So I said you’re gonna make me file just like the FIRST ex wife because it was all her fault and you did no wrong.  Fine.  We can do it the easy way or the hard way.  I’m leaning towards bitch mode.  Fucker has FOUR modes of transportation, while I have one with 243k miles on it.  Where’s the fairness in that??  Fine.  I just need my kids taken care of so I can “get out in the real world” since I have no apparent idea how that works.  

What he doesn’t know is the shit storm IVE been living for years is about to end up on his front door.

And this is where I feel so lost.  The man that stood across from me last night, the man I used to love and would give my life for, is so full of resentment and hate towards me that he is unable to see the person I have changed and grown into.  The man I made vows to, to be with no matter the storm, gave up on me long before we were married.  I fought so hard for what I have believed in-that if two people loved each other enough they can get through anything.  

How wrong and naive and one sided our entire relationship has been.  I gave and gave and gave, brought two children into this man’s life, and all he did was take and take and take, beat me down for the things I couldn’t do, and still has tried desperately to keep me in a place where I don’t deserve to be.  

I am no longer the old Sass.  She died last year.  This beautiful, strong and fighter of a woman was born in her place.  As BBFL says, he knows what he’s lost and is missing out on.  It’s time for you to live.

I may be living, but I’m still lost at sea, navigating the the grief and loss of my old self, marriage, and wishing for a star to guide me by.