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Today was emotionally better I guess-if you consider numb better than curling into a ball under the bed in the dark.  Win for me, I suppose.  I slept like shit-imagine that!-and I’m utterly exhausted-no, never!-and I didn’t even bother getting dressed or wearing a bra.   Fuck it.

I worked in the yard last night from about 5 to dark, pulling baby hibiscus plants and got 2 blisters before I rembered to use gloves.  That’s how out of it I was.  I have just the backside of the hibiscus hedge to finish-since mom did about 2/3 in July to keep from spiraling down.  I also mowed the neighbors side and back yard because it was bothering me so fucking bad and the neighborhood kids have taken over the swing set they left.  

I let the kids veg and relax yesterday-and NSLM has discovered “Camelot” and binge watched 5 or 6 episodes.  *autocorrect wanted to change that to sepia odd wtf*   He said he loves it because it has magic and it’s set in mid-evil times at the rise of the young King Auther and his love of Gueniverre.  The older he gets, the more I can’t deny him.  Now if he has an affinity for Greek Mythology, I’ll probably squeal like a pig.

Monkey felt awful last night and half of today and lounged in May May’s bed.  She had a doc appt Monday, just in case.  I’m worried about her-then again she could just be acting to get out of school.  

I made them go to bed at 1130-awful parent, right?-and snuggled down into my bed.  I took all my meds late, and since I missed my afternoon dose of Celexa that’s why I felt so bad emotionally.  HOWEVER.  Taking it at bed time was stupid.  I fell asleep at 1, only to be awoken at 430, 630, 830, and finally 1030 by RLS-Running Legs Syndrome.  Celexa at bedtime gives me brain zaps in my sleep.  Ffs I can’t win.  Blah, fuckitall. 

I took my morning meds at 11which then resulted in antsy/hypomanic body movements.  Took about 30-45 minutes before they stopped.  I had NSLM take a shower then we worked on some of his algebra corrections so he can retake his tests and bring his grade up.  He did good until his brain sizzled so I told him to take a break and we would get back at it later.  That didn’t happen as I needed my daily afternoon nap.  I was awoken by “STOP IT STAY OUT”.   Apparently Monkey had some neighbor girls over who TRASHED mom and dad’s bedroom and I said “You guys need to help clean it up then you need to leave.”  And those little bitches shoved shit anywhere then bailed.  Monkey got in trouble for playing with my shoes, and had to clean the closet.  I reorganized the shoes, put the scarves away and decided to go my long stretches to help my muscle pain.

Cute Neighbor Guy’s daughter came over to play with Monkey, then I showed them my long stretches and they did some with me.  It was so funny.  Then his other daughter came by, then a game of hide and seek ensued with 3 girls and NSLN-this is when I finished mom’s closet.

The kids departed the house and returned around 8-830 in 2 pieces-1 piece each.  We are now relaxing in our own spaces.

Emotionally, the waves of my decision wash over me in unexpected surges and intensities.  Yesterday was a bad day.  Today wasn’t so rough.  Tomorrow, I have to deal with their dad as we go clean up their rooms, go through toys and clothes and bring a dresser for Monkey as the girl had more clothes than legally necessary for a 9 year old.  I’m taking pictures of the house and I am going to clean as much as possible.  I’m tired of the shit that goes on there when they are at his house.  My kids and their health and safety are MY priority and if that means I have to in force supervised visits until he gets his shit together, then so be it.  

He can keep telling my mom one thing and me another, because I know he’s a fucking liar, is selfish and thinks of no one but himself, and had more resentment for shit that has nothing to do with me.  I told BBFL “I can’t save someone that doesn’t want to be saved”.  Seems these last two guys want to blame everyone else instead of admitting shit to themselves.  It makes me sad and I pity them both.

Because I’m the best thing they ever had.  And I’m drifting away in my boat.

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