Thanks for the uplifting comments. Sometimes that’s all one really needs to see things again or differently.
But I’m still in a funk, though not as bad. I’m no longer plummeting into my abyss of depression and despair, I’m sitting on the edge swinging my legs and chucking rocks into it again. Such is my hamster wheel lately. I’m not looking forward to Novembet when my depression gets worse again-and if the funk I’m in now is any indication of what’s to come, everyone needs to be on red alert. Yay, Sasscasm at its finest.
Fuck I feel like shit. I’m getting the numb feeling again, like I’ve been dipped in novicaine. Noise sets me off, I’m retreating to my room all day, I don’t want to do anything with anyone. I’m desperate to talk to people but my feelings are hurt when they don’t respond right away. At least I told BBFL and I’m trying to tweak my med times-AGAIN-to see if it helps. I didn’t take my bed time klonopin, and I didn’t sleep through the night. I haven’t taken my am Buspar but I have taken the Wellbutrin. I don’t feel as numb, but I’m definitely not ready to clean the house. I don’t even want to get on the computer to blog. The thought of it is so TAXING! I want to move it into my room. See?? I’m not in a good place. Fuck.
I was listening to the radio this morning and my guardian angels must have been channeling WTTS because every song I heard was about hope. So I sat there and I thought about it. I can’t give up on hope. Hope is my breadth of life, it’s what keeps me going through all the tough shit. I am a fool for believing that hope will change things, that love will conquer all, and that no matter what, there is someone out there for me. He will love me for my beautiful flaws, my chaos and free spirited self. He will look at me and see an incredibly amazing person with a heart bigger than the universe, and a woman who takes care of those she loves.
But right now? I don’t have much hope in anything other than feeling like I’m always being used and taken advantage of. My hope has dwindled to a tiny tiny flame, and sometimes I think it’ll be better to just blow it out so o won’t be disappointed anymore. And a lot has to do with the abyss at my feet, beckoning me to fall into it, so that it’s cold and suffocating embrace will surround me so I no longer feel anything at all.
I’ve thought about it-falling face first into it. Then I have my lovely blog friends who remind me why I have hope, even though the funk is hanging around like a dead skunk. I have some fight left in here somewhere, I just don’t know where….