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Last Sunday the kids and I went to their dad’s house to clean their rooms as punishment for their attitudes.  I packed up all kinds of things to clean with-409, trash bags of various sizes, dust pan, vacuüm, dish soap and vinegar in case laundry and dishes needed to be done.  I’m trying to be nice and help him out as I know he works long days and is exhausted.  I wasn’t expecting anything in return, other than a clean house for the kids and him.

I walked in and I was nice and said ok let’s get cleaning.  The disaster zone I walked into was unfathomable.  Toys everywhere in their rooms, barely a place to walk through.  I started first by looking for a clean sheet for Monkey’s bed and pulled out my once nice bed sheet, looked at their dad and said “What happened to the sheet?!”  “I don’t know” was his reply.  There was a 3-5 inch tear/rip/worn spot on it.  So I threw it out in the hallway where everything proceeded to go that was dirty and trash.  I told NSLM your dad needs to help you with your mattress to make sure you get everything out from under it.  He has an OLD super single water-bed that came from my cousin’s friend when they were transitioning from elementary to middle school.  It’s well used, obviously.  His room wasn’t as bad as it has been before, but he needed to be redirected a few times. I made their dad go to the shed and get the big bum so he could transfer toys to it and he had more room in his closet.

Now let me tell you about Monkey’s room.  She has had 3 guinea pigs in the space of a year in there.  There was hay ALL OVER HER ROOM.  To say I was annoyed was one thing.  But when I go to open her drawers to check clothes and I see GUINEA PIG SHIT IN THE DRAWERS..that’s when I became enraged as a parent.  To let THAT kind of thing happen as a pet owner and parent is fucking wrong on every level.  I looked at him and said “There is SHIT in her drawers WITH HER CLOTHES!”  His reaction-I fucking kid you not-“How was I supposed to know?”  Cue speechlessness at the absurdity of it all.  I started pulling out clothes-most of which were too small from both kids’ drawers and filled up a HUGE black trash bag.  I then proceeded to dump out and clean the drawers.  We went through toys-TONS of toys, made a place for everything in her room.  I cleaned out the drawers on her loft bed and looked in the bottom most drawer and saw something that is just reprehensible as a parent: dried vomit in the drawer and down the side of her bed.  Cue Towering Inferno Rage.

I went to him and I said “This shit, right here, makes me want to have supervised visitation because it’s fucking uncalled for.”  He said “Whatever, you’re free to leave now I’ll bring them back later.”  “You think I’m going to leave them here in THIS MESS and expect them to clean it up?!  You got me fucked up with someone else.”  Which lead to the beating of the dead horse of how it’s all my fault the reason he has no emotion and he’s dead inside and bitter and blah blah blah.  I said “You can’t keep blaming me for all of this is, but that’s what you do.  You don’t let shit go, it’s everyone else’s fault-just like the first ex-wife that you cheated on WITH ME, and your dad selling you out to Wayne down the street for $2 an hour. FUCKING LET IT GO JUSTIN.  But you can’t keep blaming me for shit that happened before you married me.  But that’s what you do, and I feel sad for you and I pity you.  The fact you are happy alone and can see yourself dying alone, without someone to love you is sad.  I’ve seen that-I’ve taken care of those people and it broke my heart.  Even after everything I still love you because you are my husband, but I apologized for what I did and didn’t do and that’s never going to be enough.”

I went back to cleaning their rooms while he sat on the fucking couch playing on his fucking phone, just how it was when we lived together.  Then he wants to be all helpful and take stuff to the truck for me and asks if I need help like nothing happened or was said between us.  No not now.  I needed it when I got here FIVE HOURS AGO.  Yea, that’s right I spent five fucking hours cleaning two rooms that my kids haven’t lived in in 17 months.  I offered to help with the dishes and laundry but he wasn’t having any of that.  I told him it’s so fucking sad that as a single man you can’t even take care of the house.  I told him I’ll file for divorce since all you’re doing is “maintaining”, but here’s a GENEROUS offer: half the equity from the house, $100 a week in child support and that’s it.  I won’t ask for anything else.  He fucking laughed in my face and said I’m out of my mind.  So it’s going to be the hard way then?  Yes, it’s going to be the hard way.  I said the only ones who are gonna suffer from this are the kids.  And by the way, everything you’ve bought since we’ve gotten married is legally half mine.  So think real hard about what you REALLY want to do.

It just saddens and angers me that it’s come to this.  The man I fell in love with no longer exists-if he even existed at all.  I told him MY kids-since I have them 95% of the time deserve better than what you HAVEN’T given them.  He said I’m always up in his business asking where he’s at or what he’s doing but he’s not doing it to me.  I said damn straight I am because you’re out doing shit when you AREN’T around for the kids.  You can fucking ride your bike or go to Greenwood but you can’t fucking stop on the way back?  I asked about the scratches on his leg because I was genuinely concerned and he turned it into something ridiculous.  Whatever man.  So sorry that I was just trying to be a concerned “friend” to the father of MY children.  Won’t make THAT mistake again.  Then he wants to talk about how I’ve been living it up with other guys.  I asked how would you know how I’ve “been with”?  And he said “I know people” and I know EXACTLY who he’s talking about-good thing I deleted that person from my life awhile ago.  He said some guy in the military that you fucked in the bathroom and hurt your back-and I BUSTED out laughing because THAT ONE is news to me.  I said, “Matt?!  I NEVER EVEN MET HIM!  OMG REALLY NOW!”  And he said “some guy named Marty-wow that’s another one I didn’t know I’d fucked-and N.  I said “oh yeah, I’ll cop to N.  I fucked him good.”  I think his eyes popped out of his head.  I said you know why he was so special and why I went down there?  Because he made me feel special and important.  He treated me like a Queen.  He talked to me all the time, and he played guitar for me every day.  And he remembered all the little things that you never tried to remember.  And he took the time out of his day to talk to the kids.  He said so why aren’t you with him?  I said because he’s a child-Well yeah he said-and I can’t save someone that doesn’t want to be saved.  Then he got on a roll about how 2 people need to work together and all this shit that I can’t remember at the moment.  I believe you can’t have a relationship without the emotional aspect-that it’s like a garden that you must tend to daily.  But what do I know?  I’m crazy in his eyes.

He came and got the kids tonight for his weekend.  I opened the door and didn’t acknowledge his presence.  I said maybe 10 words to him.  Now he wants to be all friendly and shit like nothing happened last weekend.  I told him to take the tote that had all her CLEAN CLOTHES THAT FIT and he needs to find all her missing socks because I didn’t pay all that money for them to be lost.  He was all “OK, I’ll check for them.”  Dickwad.  I may be Bipolar and crazy, but I don’t forgive easily and I sure as HELL don’t fucking forget.  I’m ready to put up the fight of my life to make sure that MY kids are taken care of all the way around, and prove him wrong that I don’t need someone to take care of me.  Fucking prick.