I am binging Sleepy Hollow, then I will finish The Following, and start on Bones. That is my Halloween day and night. Feel free to send me Twix and Butterfingers.
Happy Halloween Y’all!
More questions to answer and these are great ones! Keep them coming!!
From E–Most doable LOTR/Hobbit character? Aragon-LOTR, Thranduil-Hobbit
From Morgue–If you, Diane, and Andrew got together to toss down some alcohol…Would your smart phones be drunker than all of you combined? Enquiring minds wanna know, dude. This one I had to think about, considering how drunk these “smarty phones” are now. You know, I probably think that the phones would be more sober than the three of us combined. I have Siri to speech to text, though I will be pissed by all the ***** instead of the actual cuss word I want to use 😉
From Victo–Favorite cookie? Why? If I BUY them, Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano. If I make them, home made chocolate chip-because I’m just that badass.
From Andrew–What are the five greatest virtues? Dammit you HAD to give me one where I have to think AND google the damn list, AND I can only use FIVE?! 1) Caring/Compassion are tied because they go hand in hand
2) Courage-I mean, fuck, all the shit I’ve gone through and I’m STILL here, kicking and screaming and fighting, I think that takes a HELL of a lot of courage
3)Honesty-Self explanatory for me, but it says you accept yourself as you are, and I do. I’m a handful, a hot mess, a hopeless romantic, a free spirit. I am me.
4)Love-Because I have a huge heart of gold and I love completely and fearlessly and fiercely
5) Loyalty-I am loyal to anyone that I bring into my circle and vice versa
From Zoe–I got a ten dollar bill, yo.
1. Favorite memory with your kids? Being home for Christmas 2013. I’ve always had to work on Christmas since health care in 24/7/365. We actually got to sleep in and wake them up and watch them open their presents. They both got archery bows and arrows, and their presents were wrapped in camo wrapping paper.
2. The hardest part of being a mom is? Sacrificing time for myself
3. If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live? Probably Greece
4. Favorite scent for your home? Apple Cinnamon, but as soon as they make a candle that smells like books, I’m buying the entire stock
5. What book / movie left a big impression on you? The Piano
6. Second favorite drink? 😛 Ok-if I’m not drinking sweet tea, I’m drinking Mt. Dew, but if it’s alcohol-Scotch and moonshine are interchangeable.
7. What are five things you love about yourself? I’m going to get a little vain for a moment. 1) My eyes 2) My hair 3) My ass-it’s fabulous 4) My compassion 5) My ability to see the good in the bad, the love in the hate, the light in the dark. I know-totally contradictory for someone with Bipolar, right?!
8. What does “blogging” mean to you? Well, first it was a way for me to get all my shit out when I couldn’t see Jane. Now, it’s turned into a support for myself and others as we all struggle through life-Bipolar tinged or not. Blogging allows me the ability to tell my truth of my life and how things are affected by me and vice versa, and refusing to hold back. The truth hurts, but I think denial hurts worse.
9. Where have all the cowboys gone? (THAT SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD!) You know I saw her in concert back in the day-great concert. All the cowboys have turned into little wussies and have to ask mom and dad for permission to piss.
10. And finally what’s your favorite animal? This is a hard one, because I really like animals. But, I’d have to say when we went to the St. Louis Zoo and I got to see the hippos. Those are probably my favorite. And Manatees. It’s a tie
From Marquessa–What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you that you didn’t expect? I had a boyfriend that sent me the BIGGEST bouquet of flowers to my house just because. He’s been the only one to do that.
Now that it’s taken me a couple hours to finish this, because I was doing this in fits and starts, I am off to take a hot shower that is most deserved and rewarded. I’m feeling better today, so I’m hoping that I don’t splat tomorrow or this weekend. If I do, I am kid free, though I need to go to Tennessee to get some clothes I left down there. Shit. Ok-of to bathe! Toodle-Loo!!!
So I asked you guys to ask me random questions in my comments and TWO sent me questions. I need more questions!! NEED NEED NEEEEEEEEED!
These questions came from Blah:
Epic tribe middle earth roadtrip? Oh I am so there.
Questions for Sass:
Favourite lotr character? Éowyn
Which one are you most like? This one is really hard because I’m like Merry and Pippin because of my curiosity and lack of acknowledgement of authority, but I’m also like Éowyn in that I am loving and caring, strong willed, a fighter and underestimated.
Which part of middle earth do you like best? Rivendell
Films or books? Depends on my concentration level, but I adore both equally
If the 3 of us had to go on that trip as lotr characters, who would we be? Blah would be Gandalf the White, E would be young Bilbo, I would be Éowyn
Now this next set comes from lovely Beeps:
Here’s 10 random questions for ya:
1. How long is long enough? When I can’t hold my pee anymore
2. You warm the cockles of my heart. What are cockles? Aren’t those what hang off of cocks?
3. Why does alphabet soup exist? Because people are too lazy to use paper and pen for spelling lists
4. Are you a gun, knife, or hand to hand warrior? Probably a knife so I can watch the life leave my enemies eyes-yeah I’m fucked up like that.
5. Do you stand as the world record holder for most consecutive ‘fucks’ in a sentence? Why not? Unfortunately not, because I have yet to be THAT pissed off.
6. Just how many sheets DOES a sheet slitter slit? An infinite amount because there’s ALWAYS a sheet
7. What’s the one thing you haven’t done – for whatever reason – that you really WANT to do? Be in love for the RIGHT reasons
8. What’s your animagus? Wolf-DUH
9. Do you get toe jam? Yeah and it’s NASTY
10. Bikini or one-piece? Bikini-not ashamed to hide my tiger-striped belly
COME ON GUYS! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE MORE RANDOM QUESTIONS!!! As you can see, I answer honestly and Sassily 😉
I came across this post about a month ago on Tessa’s page and wanted to do it, but lacked motivation to get off my lazy ass and use my computer. So, here I sit, getting ready to do another mindless post because frankly, my brain is mush and can do fuckall for nothing. Here We GO!
A- Age: 35 going on 36 in 6 days-thank GAWD my birthday isn’t on Election Day this year!
B- Biggest Fear: Drowning
C- Current Time: 6:16 pm
D- Drink you last had: Sweet Iced Tea
E- Easiest Person To Talk to: BBFL
F- Favorite Song: Depends on my mood, but right now it’s Adele’s new one “Hello”
G- Ghosts, are they real?: Yes and I didn’t really believe until January
H- Hometown: Indianapolis, Indiana
I- I can’t: Play musical instruments
J- Jealous Of: Other people who catch my romantic interests interest
K- Killed Someone?: Unfortunately, not yet…
L- Last time you cried?: Today
M- Middle Name: Rae
N- Number of Siblings: 1-a sister and we are 15 months apart
O- One Wish: To see New Zealand for the LOTR and Hobbit movies and take my nerd loving friends E and Blah along 😀
P- Person who you last called: Megan, my neighbor
Q- Question you’re always asked: How do you deal with Bipolar
R- Reason to smile: Because frowning is ugly
S- Song last sang: “Hello”
T- Time you woke up: 6 am
U- Underwear Color: Don’t wear them
V- Vacation Destination: Any place but here-planning a week getaway after Christmas 😉
W- Worst Habit: Not asking for help when I need it
X- X-Rays you’ve had: Shoulder, Abdomen, Foot, Back, Shoulder, Wrist, and A Bone Density scan for a research study
Y- Your favorite food: Carbs
Z- Zodiac Sign: Scorpio
There’s another mindless post about me. I would love to have people ask me randomly odd fucked up questions. I like to be honest about myself, and sometimes it’s fun just to do stupid things. 🙂
I saw this and stole it from E. Thanks E! No I don’t care that I did steal it. I’m going to do another one that Tessa did awhile back. Anyway…I’m bored, but don’t have the attention span to read or watch tv, and I can’t go back to bed since there are three little squealing girls in my room. So, fuckall, here’s more random shit about Sass ❤
A) What does the last text you sent say? And to whom? Kissy face to BBFL
B) What does the last text you recieved say? And from whom? MUAH kissy face from BBFL
C) What time do you wake up most mornings? Between 530 and 630, depending on if NSLM needs a shower and has to go in early
D) Are you afraid of walking alone at night? Yes-inside and out. I turn on all the lights as I enter every room. Never know when a knife wielding maniac is lurking behind my shower curtain, or some sexy man is lying nekkid in my bed
E) What do you do to relax at the end of a stressful day? Take my meds and hope to GOD I sleep through the night. IDK what this relaxation you speak of is anymore
F) Where did your last kiss take place and with whom? In the car this morning when I dropped off Monkey
G) Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school? I can’t remember, honestly
H) Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so? I enjoy my career, but seeing as my entire employment life is on hold atm, I am NOT content
I) Do you often pick up on double entendres and innuendos? Yes, and through them back out.
J) Have you ever been offered drugs but declined? Yep.
K) Have you ever met someone who has completely altered your way of thinking? YES! I’ve met many people with different beliefs and I have been able to see their side and still respect it, and it has made me look at the world MUCH differently
L) Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted? Nope. I know, Straight Edge Sass with never taking drugs.
M) Tell us something weird that turns you on. Ears.
N) When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual? Florida and yes.
O) What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? My friend and all the funny shit we did together
P) When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? Never
Q) Do you usually initiate hugs? Sure do
R) Are you a very affectionate person? Very…maybe too much. I love to touch and be touched-doesn’t matter if it’s romantic of platonic.
S) Can you roll your own cigarettes? Nope-because I don’t smoke
T) What are you looking forward to? Sleep and quiet.
U) Do you have any tattoos. Do you want any/more? Yes and yes, at least 4 more so far.
V) Are you mentally strong? Yes, even though I don’t think I am.
W) Are you physically strong? HAHAHA not any more! Fuck you shoulder!
X) Do you think you’re a good person? Yes.
Y) Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now. Nothing-because then it wouldn’t be my life
Z) What do you usually eat for breakfast? Depends on if I remember to eat
SO there you have more random shit about me. Unlike E, I will not request Peeps and I think they are the second most gross candy-First is Pez, then Peeps, then Whoppers. Just-YUK! Feel free to send me all the dark orgasmic chocolate you can find, or I shall unleash my hounds.
Today I have allowed myself to relax and just be. I didn’t bother getting dressed at all. Wore my pajama pants and tshirt sans bra AAAAAAAALL DAY! I know, I’m such a rebel. I managed to make tea and run the dishwasher, and had to go procure NSLM from school as he said he had an overwhelming sense of sadness. He just started the Vyvanse, and maybe 20mg is too much, so we will try the docs proposal of dumping the med in a small cup of water and only consuming half to get 10mg on board. He’s med sensitive like me, bless him.
He did manage to finish his missing Periodic Table in less than 30 minutes here at home-WTF?!-and I let him puddle fart on the computer while I took a 2 hour nap. I picked up Monkey and made some phone calls on the way home. I was FINALLY able to talk to the nurse about my meds, and she will talk to the director tomorrow. That’s at least one thing off my damn list. I called Sharin and Jerry and I’m going to go visit Wednesday after I pick the kids up from school. I feel this compulsion to check on them. Tomorrow I have to take May to the vet-she has this weird red bump on her lip, and mom and I are concerned. May has been getting in the trash and eating food off the table-which she has never done here. I know she senses my grief and depression, she’s lounging a lot too. I called my mother in law to check on her, and I’ll be damned if she didn’t hurt herself while camping. She may have fractured or broken her elbow, and sees an orthopedist Wednesday. On the plus side-she found a box for my stuff and she can ship it out this week. Wednesday mom has her surgery consult and an appointment with SSI on Thursday I believe.
I managed to eat pretty much the rest of the lasagna and 2 cheese sticks, followed by my orgasmic chocolate-and by that I mean the ENTIRE BAR! I even managed to read tonight. 2 chapters, 50 pages, and took about 4 hours. I can usually read much faster, but given the state of mushy brain, I’d say this is a success. I’m rereading “Dragonfly In Amber”, the second book in Diana Gabaldon’s “Outlander” series. I can’t wait for Season 2 on Starz. So excited. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have the ability to binge Sleepy Hollow. I’m already 5 episodes behind.
I’m exhausted…and I hope to god I can sleep all night long. Waking up at 330 am EVERY NIGHT is tiresome and fucking annoying. Stupid brain and meds. My body feels like it’s had the flu from all the tension from Friday-and I can’t have any Advil because of my surgery. Dammit! 2 weeks to my surgery, 7 days to my birthday. I’ll be a whopping 36! Woohoo!
Well, I’m off to bed with my kids-they weren’t heathens today. That’s a win.
Peace n chicken grease, and goodnight-Sass has crashed zzzzz
*Written Friday night while I lay in bed feeling the grief and guilt smother and consume me…and it was all set off by 5 hours at the tire place.
I’ve had way too much caffeine today. Even with my night meds I’m gritting my teeth worse, I’m fidgety and I’m squeezing my poor otter to death. I’m stuck in the never ending loop. Survivors Guilt, Not Doing Enough Guilt, Still Living Guilt. Fuck it sucks, man.
It’s been a week and it feels like yesterday I got that call. 2 days in bed, barely functioning enough to take my meds, couldn’t really muster up energy to see how my kids were. Eating 3/4 of a box of Cinnamon Life in my blanket fort, then nothing else that day. My mom scared to leave me alone, Daddy checking on me. The hours of sleep that still made me feel exhausted plus alone.
I feel alone in a crowded room. Like I did at Shawna’s service. All those people there to remember her and support her family, and I felt as if it were just me there, the loss is that great. I have accepted she’s gone. I don’t like it, but it’s the truth. And it fucking hurts.
Then it starts the hamster wheel of death going in my head about what I can do now-which isn’t much-but I’m still alive and here-which in turn intensifies the guilt that I am still here for my kids and Darrin and Devin lost their mom. Sharon and Jerry lost their child-even though she’s an adult she’s still their child.
It’s a lonely and isolating feeling knowing you are the last person they reach out too. It adds to the guilt. All of it makes me feel isolated, like I can’t connect with anyone on a physical level. I feel like there’s a veil between me and humanity…
Yesterday (Saturday) was awful. I could not for the life of me get out of bed to take care of the kids, let alone myself. I reached out to DB and told him I needed help. I text Sis and said pretty much the same thing. I was paralyzed in my bed with the grief and losses of loved ones too close together. She rescued me and took me and Monkey to see the “Ed Sheeran in Concert at Wembly Stadium” which was very nice. I took my meds with me and I did surprisingly well. Maybe because it was dark and cool in there, and I didn’t have to think or acknowledge my fragile emotional state.
I mustered up some energy to go look for the kids’ Halloween costumes-they are doing cosplay! They are so creative ❤️ We hit pay dirt at 5 below, and DB came to get their stuff. We hit up Party City for a few more things, where my children proceeded to scare me with clown masks. Little fuckers (I can say that because they AND their dad know of my fear/hate of clowns). I then began to feel closed in and overstimulated and DB noticed and wrangled the kids to checkout. One last stop at Goodwill, and their cosplay costumes are complete. DB paid for it all-as he has them on Halloween for his weekend AND I put him on blast letting him know it was HIS turn for Halloween. Zero arguements. I invited him over for dinner as a thank you, but he was going to a movie. So I enjoyed 2 HUGE helpings of lasagna and pretty much a half loaf of garlic bread. I needed the carbs. I was finally able to see Transformers: Age of Extinction while eating my dinner in bed-well, mom and dad’s bed. We were all in bed around midnight.
I woke about 7 and said “Fuck this shit! I deserve more sleep after yesterday! 1 Buspar on board, 2 Tylenol and back under the covers I went until a little before 11. Today you would never had been able to tell that I was a blubbering mess the day before. Beds were made, house vacuumed, kids cleaned their messes and NSLM did his own laundry. Shocked? I’m not because I told him I refuse to do his laundry anymore since he can’t hit the hamper, AND because he is 13 years old. He also unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and took out the trash. OMG A PARENT THAT MAKES HER KIDS DO CHORES?! THE HORROR…THE HORROR!
I then took Toothless and Pinkie Pie to Build-A-Bear for some patching up, then ventured down to Edingburg to the Coach store about my purse. I got an in store credit of about $120-woohoo!-then went to pick up my mom. She had a girls weekend in Sturgis for her friend’s 50th birthday. Dad made fajitas for dinner and I invited DB over, again as a thank you for Saturday. I also let him know I’m going out of town the week of New Years and said he’s on kid duty. His response: I’m working. MINE: not my problem, you figure it out. I’m taking a week to myself. And MayMay and Papaw get a vacation in their own home!
So as I finish this post, which I won’t post until tomorrow after a read through sans night meds, I’m reminded what Andrew said: Our country and society see it as a weakness, a bad thing to mourn those we lose. You are gonna have good days and I’m gonna have über shitty days. Take them as they come, don’t rush your grief. And you know what? You were special and loved so much that you were the last one she called. You two had that kind of a bond.
Thank you, Andrew, for helping me through that dark day, Saturday. You are becoming a true and close friend, and I’m lucky to have stumbled across your path. I love ya, Buddy. (But not that way ;p)
#1 Tribe Fan Love you all ❤
Trevor’s back and he believes in you 🙂
I don’t believe in myself. I think probably a lot of people have that problem. But I find strength, so much strength, when my dad gets 10 copies of the Ipswich Advertiser from the shop, or my fellow office ladies get excited over giraffe news I have to share, or my grandma takes home a box of my books to sell to the ladies at bridge.
I am not much on my own. I really am not much at all. But these things make me so much more. These things make me want to keep going. These things are food when I am starving, a shady spot on a hot day, a light in the dark. I try my best to be the same for them.
This post isn’t meant for me to tell you how great my friends are. It’s to…
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I am waving my white flag of surrender. I concede defeat on this day and on my fragile emotional state that the doctors don’t seem to concerned about. Assholesonsabitches. FFS I’ve been doing everything PROACTIVE to keep from falling further into the rabbit hole. Today, I call it quits on trying to function even as a zombie. Panxiety set in at the tire place. 10 different calls made for various reasons to various people for various appointments. Wtf happened to common fucking curtesy and fucking decency when leaving a voicemail saying it’s imperative you call ASAP?! Or to even check the god damn thing for Christs sake. Not in the mood to deal with the above taking offense. My blog, my emotions, my words. FUCKEST THOU if you want to ride my ass over that. I have bigger shit to deal with right now.
Teeth clenching for 3 hours, panxiety at level 7-8, pacing, hunger, guilt, loss, isolation, invisiblity, frustration, anger-and throw some hate in for good measure, and I’m a walking time bomb. Fuck my muscles hurt from the 2 hours I clenched them together.
My white flag of surrender-Buspar, Klonopin, Ativan, and Celexa
I have climbed into Fort Blanket and plan to reside here until further notice. If you need me, or are über concerned about me, email, call or text. Cuz right now, I just can’t cope with it.