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I am raging.  I am sad.  I am overwhelmed and angry and confused and pissed and it just keeps going the emotions that are rolling through my body like a turbulent sea.  Wave after crashing wave, barely enough time to gasp for air as another emotion crushes me.  I just want to have one enjoyable day.

From the moment I’ve gotten up this day has been shit.  I don’t know HOW, but Florida managed to find me and my email-which I never gave him.  8 months of silence.  I grieved, I processed, I rebuilt my fortress walls, and I let the fuck go.  He is in a box, under a bed in Tennessee.  I moved on.

Apparently he has not.  I can’t fix his broken parts.  It is not my job anymore.  He made his choices and it broke me, but I made it through.  No one helped me out here-you guys helped me, and I helped myself.  Don’t give yourself credit for what you did not rebuild.

And my grandfather in law passed away peacefully in his sleep.  I have been asking and asking about Grampa, telling everyone to give him our love.  Monkey is going to be DEVASTATED.  She LOVED Grampa and he ADORED that little red as he called her.  When Grampa fell and broke a bone in his neck, and then had to have emergency surgery, we drove up to Michigan the next day.  Grampa was in a halo, neck brace, intubated and restrained for his safety.  He doesn’t-didn’t-remember much, but he sure as hell remembered Monkey being there and trying to reach her and hold her.  We went to the gift shop an she bought him a stuffed kitty, and it stayed with him through rehab, then back home, then back to the nursing home, where my step mother in law works.  I am sure the staff are saddened by his passing.  He was a bright shiny vision even when he wasn’t feeling 100%.  Always smiling and happy.  I’m going to miss that man so much.

I had to sell more jewelry for gas money to get to Michigan.  I also had to cancel my surgery for Monday.  I can go a few more weeks of pain to be there for my in laws-even if their son is an asshole.  

My sister is doing better, so there’s a tiny ray of light.

But right now, I feel the grief and anger and rage consuming me.  And I don’t have the strength or will to fight them.  So I will let them flow through my body until I am exhausted, and then tomorrow will be a new day.

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