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As you all know we lost my Grandfather-in-law last Thursday night.  He left to rejoin the love of his life, whom Monkey is named after, a week after his 85th birthday.  This past weekend has been a real emotional struggle for me.

I high-tailed it to Tennessee Friday afternoon after Florida contacted me.  Let me just say: I blocked him every way possible and he got my email address, which I never gave him.  Creep much?  Anyway, he did the usual “I need you, I miss you, I love you” bullshit.  No.  You don’t get to do that.  No I don’t miss you anymore.  You are in a box under my cousin’s bed in Tennessee.  I loved you once, but no longer.

Sunday my kids and I travelled to Michigan and stayed with my mother and stepfather in law.  I didn’t know DB would be there.  It was very weird and uncomfortable to sleep under the same roof for the first time in over a year.  I helped him get a shirt and belt for the funeral.  I sat next to my brother-in-law with my family.  I watched my husband cry and it broke my heart.  We rode together and we talked about things before.  We arrived at Fort Custer National Cemetry and for the first time in years, I watched DB, my husband cry.  I comforted him to the best of my ability.  All the while thinking, “I still love him even after everything that’s happened.”  

After dinner he took the kids to his oldest and best friend’s house to play with his kids and animals.  So I had ALOT of time to think-and thinking is dangerous for someone who is as emotionally charged as I am.  

I text Florida and I said I can’t be who and what you want and need me to be.  I need you to let me go.  He said he didn’t want to, but he respects me as a woman and he would.  Then he tried to guilt me.  I’m not the same Shannon you met in Florida.  You can’t expect me to let you waltz back in to my life after all you’ve done.  I am sorry about your loss, but you need more help than I can give you.  “If you ever lived me and if you still do, you will let me go.”  “Sure leave me…”  “Please, let me go.  Don’t look for me or watch me.  Let me go.  Completely.”

I didn’t wait for a response.  I blocked him.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, because I let go months ago.  I had too.  It wasn’t healthy, it was toxic, abusive.  I did love him.  He showed me so many things about what I deserve.  

But I cannot be his safety net, his fall back when shit gets tough for him.  Yes, he broke down my walls, but he didn’t help rebuild them-I did.  Don’t give yourself credit where it isn’t due.  I loved him, I mourned him and the life we were planning, I let go, and I rebuilt myself without his help.  The ONLY one that helped is BBFL.  That’s where credit is due.

BBFL: Thank you for being there for me through so much this past 18 months.  If it weren’t for you encouraging me to wallow and hurt and feel, but then telling me to pull my shit together, I don’t think I would have made it.  I couldn’t ask for a better friend.  I love you.

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