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After my nap yesterday, mom said dad told us we needed to get out of the compound.  *Throws head and asks WHY?!*  We needed paper towel, toilet paper and Puffs.  For the love of God stop all bodily functions while I wallow in my despair.  Since I had showered and had on “suitable” clothes I told mom might as well go now while I’m up before I crawl back into bed.  *Throws HER head back and says NOOOOO*  I’m more than happy to crawl back into bed and wallow some more.  So we ventured of out Walmart-where we NEVER go and were in and out in 5 minutes.  Lemme tell you I almost lost it in there, not gonna lie.  SOOOOO many people, bright lights, LOUD noises.  But I hightailed it to self check out, boom, done.

Since my phone is acting up I stopped at the sprint store to figure out why-turns out my NEW CORD I JUST BOUGHT WAS BAD!  GRRRR!  And I came THIIIIIIIIIIIS CLOSE to getting a new phone, but mom said she wants to get rid of Sprint.  Bye-bye new LG4.  We are almost home and dad says don’t forget pretzel rods and Heinies.  I told mom tell him Sis said “That wasn’t on the list!”  So I told dad I’ll go fetch your Heineken if I can get a new charger cord.  Hands me card, says get lunch makings too and out the door I go.  I was quite scatter brained in the store because the pretzels we usually get have POOFED into oblivion.  DAMMIT.  So I was left buying a $3.50 bag of Snyder’s of Hanover, and they’re OK, but they aren’t OUR pretzels we like.  Yes, I get to complain about fucking pretzels right now.  Get over it.  I get my cord and the other things and I leave and I decide to see if my friend’s parents were home.

They were.  Her Uncle drove all the way from New Mexico Wednesday as soon as he heard.  And we all cried and tried to figure out through phone call times when things happened.  I think I am the last person she called.  I won’t go into the details out of respect for her and her loved ones, but attempts were made.  We shared good stories and funny memories, and God Bless her parents, if it weren’t for their Daughter-In-Law to help with the decisions, they would have been so lost.  They are going to have her cremated, as she expressed before.  And they have memory urns for the boys that match hers.  I asked, once things have settled down and been sorted if I could have a piece of her jewelry so that I could have her with me all the time.  They said of course, but they may need to be reminded and I said that’s fine.  No rush, I know you guys are still in the brain fog.  I told them that I took a step back from Shawna when she got really bad, but I never left her.  We talked every now and then and saw each other a few times.  She was my best friend even when I knew I couldn’t help her through her addictions.

Try as me might, we will never know the WHY.  She was doing well in school, at work, and was making plans to see the boys march in State in Ohio.  She was so PROUD of them being in marching band as 8th graders.  She was making plans for Christmas Break to spend time with the boys.  She was doing so fucking well-or at least we thought….but her demons were too strong for her to fight anymore.  I don’t begrudge her, I only wish I could have helped more.  But on the flip side of that coin, what could I have done?  Questions that will never be answered.

I’m dreading tomorrow.  I don’t want to remember my lively, vivacious, hilarious friend in a box.  I will remember her laugh and all the fun times we had through school and after, being pregnant together and craving the same things at the same time-like the same exact moment.  Seafood enchiladas from Chi-Chi’s and Cracker Barrel at the end-and I’ll NEVER forget her eating the gravy with her spoon.  Just the gravy, nothing else.  Watching our boys grow up before life turned to shit and just being there for each other for no other reason that just to be.

I’m out of the room today, sitting at the desktop writing this.  And I’ll be writing a lot today.  There’s so much flowing through me.  I managed to eat 2 bagels and make some fresh tea, and replenished my pill supply.  I’m listening to Ed Sheeran on Spotify, watching May sleep on the couch, and the pig root through his hay.  Silly pig.  I’m not sure how long I’ll be out before I have to crash again, but I’m out.

Baby steps, Sass.  Baby steps.