IMG_7990While reading a post at 5 something this morning I replied to it.  The above was the reply to my reply and it made me cry.  It made me cry to know that I have had a profound impact on this person by just being me, sharing my stories, my life.  All I have ever been is honest to myself and to others about what goes on in my brain.  The bouncing balls I try to catch that are my thoughts.  The constant hum of the bees as back ground noise that can be quite soothing.  Recently it’s been songs running through my head before I fall asleep-and it’s god damn annoying!  I’m laying in bed, hugging Toothless and my Otter trying to have a conversation with whatever high power there is out there and some stupide verse comes trotting in to disrupt the serenity I’ve made.  FUCK!

I still-STILL to this DAY hope that I will find love, someone that really wants to help me be a better person, mother, lover and wife.  I hope that I can get out of Indiana and start a new life somewhere in the south.  Florida was a pipe dream.  I would love to have a farm of some kind, somewhere were I can SEE my hard work pay off daily.  I want a strong man to love me, and I want to stay at a good baseline.  I’m not naïve knowing that once I get to baseline I can stop meds-that’s just idiotic.  I know I’ll never have “recovery” or “cure” but there will be times of remission.  I’ve had it before.  I know meds and therapy and hospital stays will always be part of my life-not just my treatment, MY LIFE.  I have accepted that.  What I DON’T accept is sub-par treatment anymore.  Just because I have Bipolar doesn’t make me less of a person.  If anything it makes me MORE of a person, because I see the world differently.  The colors are brighter, smells and sounds intensified.  Don’t believe me?  There’s research-I’m just too damn lazy to find it and link it.  Y’all got Google and Bing and whatever.  Fucking use it.  Tangent much?  Yes, yes I do.

I’m getting more and more clarity of my life and my future.  And I’m not taking people’s shit again.  Obviously with my final Florida post I mean business.  I’m about to go down to Tennessee to whoop my cousin’s ass.  He thinks his finger waggin’ is gonna scare me?  Bitch, please!  I’m a city girl, I know how to handle a gun and I may have a bad shoulder but I can still throw shit.  Oh-and I have a set of lungs.  If I can out yell my marching band my senior year of 200 people, 1 42 year old boy ain’t gonna deter me.  *Look-Sass is on a roll!*  He may have seen country girls pissed, but he hasn’t been blessed to see one pissed off SassaFrass.  It’s just fucking common curtesy.  Fuck!  Kinda like R.  Oh don’t get me on THAT soap box.

Anyway-I just wanted to post this reply because it really made me feel good and warm and touched my heart in a way that hasn’t been touched in years.  So thank you, kind friend, for the lovely and amazing words.  I won’t change.  I’m still hoping, and my little ray of sunshine is coming back-and I have YOU to thank for that.  I love you to infinity and beyond ❤

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