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Numb might be a little much. I’m uncomfortably empty. I have zero happiness inside. Nothing warm and fuzzy to break the ice surrounding my heart. I look at my kids-and god i love them, but they have gotten on my 2nd to last nerve just with the noise.

I have no joy in anything. I can’t read. I can’t concentrate on movies or tv. I wonder around with my arms crossed trying to keep myself from falling apart and staying warm. I went to get the girls their christmas gifts from the mall at Build-a-Bear…and i couldn’t wait to the get fuck out of there. I went to
VS and got 2 new REAL bras-i havent had real bras in about 4 years. Plus they were $35 a piece and dad said that’s my christmas. I’m ok with that. I needed them. I ventured into Hot Topic to find Dr Who stuff for NSLM and found myself stuck in a corner and started to freak out. This with 2 klonopin and a perc on board and i thought i was gonna die… Or stab someone with a pen in their throat. I was able to exchange a pair of jeans at the Buckle after they got a hike in them. I practically ran out of the mall reaching the safety of the truck and plugging my earbuds and calming my nerves to Hozier.

I came back and crawled into bed, excruciating pain radiating through my shoulder and arm, my lower back and right hip, and another recreation of “Alien Uterus and Ovaries” trying to exit my body through my belly button. Fucking yay. Misery does not even begin to explain how i feel. I’m hot then cold. Tired then wide awake, but always in constant pain. After talking to BBFL she said that my body is going through withdrawal from the percocet. She’s not the only one who has said this.

So tonight I’m stopping the pain meds. Yes i know this is dangerous but what’s more dangerous is the brain fog and lack of brain processing that’s going on. And the fact I’ve rear ended two cars in a month. No bueno.

So while i rithe around in painful physical misery i shall also be in mental anguish over the stupidest bullshit which is all the med fog. Oh yeah-i can’t eat because I’m nauseous and not a thing sounds good.

And I’m fucking tired of seeing all these happy christmas commercials and jewelry this car that. Fucking fuckity fuck fuck FUCK. I’m so anti christmas this year idgaf. Fuck all the happy bullshit. I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and I’m trying hard not trying not to get sliced by the razor wire on the way down. And unlike Alice, my dress doesn’t balloon out to help me land safely at the bottom.

I got nothing