I know I’ve been quiet lately. Liking posts but not commenting much, or blogging much for that matter. My brain has just been absent. I’ve been on auto pilot, “domesticing” around the house and being as an active parent as possible. Thing 1 and Thing 2 have been keeping me busy with homework demands and Dr appts.
Physical therapy has me mentally worn out as well as physically. I really have to focus when I’m there. Bridgette, the therapist I REALLY like, has added more to my routine and I like that. Constantly changing it up to keep my mind and body going. Monday she added the small stabilization ball where I put my foot on it and engage my core and squeeze all the right muscles… Man the focus it takes to do it is unbelievable. And it really drains me. 30 minutes and my body feels like it’s been and hour. My brain is exhausted from the concentration it takes.
I started this last night, got distracted and have ZERO idea where I was going with this post. So I’ve read what’s been posted and liked and commented here and there. But, fuckall, my brain is like Jell-O. It’s all shaky but firm, and fun to poke with sporks. Because I feel like I’m swimming in novicain (my phone can’t spell that word but autocorrects Sassafrass to Assess Grass?!) and I’m just..here. Sitting at the kitchen table trying to “regulate” my emotions-of which I have zero right now.
Weird, because earlier today I was feeling ok, almost baseline. I shouldn’t have fucked with my meds. Dammit, now I gotta readjust. Stupid me. And I’m not getting alot of sleep, 5 maybe 6 solid hours…because I can’t just FALL asleep. My brain that’s been dead all damn day decides it is going to wake up and ping pong thoughts about nothing around in my skull. Hoo-fucking-ray.
NSLM is sick and won’t be going back to school until Friday. Monkey is driving me bonkers with her chatter that has no premise or purpose and my brain can’t wrap itself around the fact she just wants to her herself. I’m just…FLAT. 2 dimensional. I hate this feeling because, now? I don’t want to do anything. No blogs, no tv-I managed to watch 2 shows On Demand and pay attention, no reading or parenting. I guess I used all my sporks making dinner today. I made home made chicken n noodles. But don’t think I actually HOME MADE the noodles, that’s WAAAAAY too much work. I DID manage 2 large bowls and 2 pieces of butter bread. Funny, because all of my meds suppress my appetite, and today I actually ate because I was fucking starved. This cold weather and this over/under by a pube hair for baseline is asstrash, as Morgue would say.
May and I are snuggled down in the bed: I’m under 2 blankies with a hoodie on, using Sven as a pillow, and I’m too flat to put on another pair of socks since me feet are so damn cold. I’ve reached my “I don’t give a fuck” wall, and I really could give a fuck trying to go over it.
Yep. That’s where I’m at. Blahsville, USA.