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This will be one of the most bizarre rants to ever be plopped into Sasstopia for one main reason, as the title has informed you. (I started this post Saturday, I think)

I got a new phone in November, right after my birthday and before my surgery.  I switched from Sprint to Verizon because the reception was so horrid on Sprint here around and in the house.  I had and old iPhone 4s.  Apple and Sass are NOT compatible.  And by that I mean I wanted to chuck my phone 5 days out of 7 for really stupid things.  Like MAKING A FUCKING CALL.  The audacity that I would want my phone to work for something other than a paperweight that played music.  Shame.  On.  Me.  Anyhoo I convinced mom to let me upgrade-I mean, I was grateful I had a phone at all. The battery and storage were the biggest issues.  And the not being able to fucking call 9 fucking 1 1 in an emergency situation because THERE WAS NO SIGNAL!  (Deep breathl)  I was looking at Samsung but I wanted something with expandable memory and a removable battery.  So I got an LG V10.  And i had very few complaints until a month ago.

Phone #1-the screen started to spazz out while I was talking to someone or trying to play a game.  Plus an issue with my Skype app, but thought it was just Skype.  Ordered a replacement phone.  Went through the cord that came with the phone is less time than having to need phone #1 replaced. Also, there was a speaker issue.  Get phone #2 and notice the battery isn’t keeping a charge like it should.  I have a task manager app that helps, and I run system and security checks constantly.  I go in and let them know about the battery.  FIRST, they were going to make me BUY ANOTHER FUCKING BATTERY when the first one took a shit.  *Good call on the removable battery*  Well, here’s something funny: THE BATTERY FOR MY PHONE ISN’T EVEN AVAILABLE YET TO PURCHASE! . SO THEY HAD TO GIVE ME A BATTERY OUT.  OF.  A. DISPLAY.  PHONE! And I had to buy a cord at the store and got a car charger TOO-WHICH DIDN’T EVEN FIT IN MY 12 VOLT OUTLET!  Tried to take it back, but low and behold it was the day AFTER the 14 day “return policy”.  WTF. Fine give me a glass screen protector (cuz we all know how graceful I am).  They said sure, we can do that and it will equal the same price. 

Get phone #2 and take it in to get it restored because it sure as hell wasn’t working at home on our wifi.  Get it going, then WHAM! Microphone and speaker are fucked up, screen starts to spazz again, take it back and order phone #3 all within less than a week.  Bullshit right?  BUT WAIT! THERE’S ALWAYS MORE!

Order phone #3. Tell them about the phone and accessory issue and I’m told that by the 3rd time (if it still happens) then I can get a completely DIFFERENT phone.  GREAT!  FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!  Now I can get away from this smarty phone hell.

Oh, how wrong I was!

Take in phone #3-for of all things-MY SKYPE ALL STILL ISN’T WORKING RIGHT!  I spent THREE GOD DAMNED FUCKING HOURS at the Verizon store, taking to tech support and even the LG reps through their company, and, AGAIN!  My phone’s screen has spazzed out. The microphone thing is ANNOYING AS ALL FUCK, and I JUST WANT TO SKYPE MY BOYFRIEND WITHOUT ALL THE Issues!  And now?  This battery is toast.  And Skype is an absolute PAIN IN MY GOD DAMNED ASS!  And to really pour salt into the wound: I think this one has a processor issue.  Only a portion of my apps open like they should if they do at all and a good portion of Web pages open without watching a page NOT FUCKING LOAD that requires a determination of like 0000007 speed-Hasta Lavista, baby.

So I spent and HOUR on the phone with a Verizon tech specialist-AGAIN-listing EVERY issue I’ve had since my FIRST phone. He apologized profusely about all of my issues and even called LG and talked to them. They still had my records of when I called and i told the tech rep what I was told and he was like “Oh, no, that’s no good” and ordered me my 4th phone in as many months AND a brand new battery. He also made a note that my new phone be loaded with Marshmallow NOT lollipop system. And all the issues could be from lollipop system. He made another notation that if this phone still had the same issues, THEN I can get a brand new and different phone. HALLELUJER!

I want to tell you after all the fucking asinine shit I’ve dealt with in 4 months over this phone, the tech reps I’ve talked too have been A-FUCKING-MAZING in making sure that I’ve exhausted all of my options. And they are even accepting of my idea that it could just be the OS with my apps on the phone. And they said if it is, LG needs to fix it. I can’t say enough of Troy and Austin who helped me when I called them.

Now phone #4 has arrived and I’m waiting for the battery, which should be here by Friday. I’m not to put this shitty battery in the phone and take it to Verizon to make sure that everything works. If not, guess who’s got 2 thumbs and a big ass mouth and getting a completely different new phone??