, , , , , , ,

I’ve come to the very real and honest conclusion that we are selfish beings. Well, at least Americans are. Society and Hollywood perpetuate the ideal of unattainable beauty, they only way to get anywhere is by reality TV, (fuck the lot of the Kardashians because IT’S NOT FUCKING REAL PEOPLE!) and the more you ignore the less it exists. We area a nation of society and greed, if it’s broken you can through it away and get another, and newer is always better. Our “democratic system” is systematically broken and full of corruption, lies and padded pockets. The title ‘President of the United States’ no longer holds meaning for its office, for all they are is a mouth piece to say what we want to hear, while the people of the Congress and Senate are the ones who truly control our laws. And those laws aren’t nearly as clean cut when they are passed because of lies, greed and corruption.

There’s a reason for this post, just follow the bouncing ball.

Alot of people want Trump in office. I fucking do NOT. I do not want a blatantly honest liar that has bullied the ignorant by fear into thinking his extreme behavior is a way to represent our nation. No offense, I don’t want Clinton in office either. Something about her just doesn’t sit right with me. (I listen to my gut more often than i used to, and i say there’s something shady going on, moe so than usual) I’m not against a female president. I’m not against one party over the other. My verdict about Cruz and Sanders are still out.

ANYWAY…Bare (bear?) with me here, guys.

What I AM about is the continual lies everyone throws about and at each other. 

Here’s why.

Bipolar is the BEST liar of them all. It knows how to take those little seeds of doubt and turns them into Jack’s Beanstalk in mere moments. It doesn’t have to take weeks or months to make you start to believe you are better off 6 feet under, that the world will function without you and no one will miss if you no longer exist. Bipolar lies in infinitely subtle ways, ways you don’t even know about until it’s too late. Too late for some. For alot, the fight is day in and day out about whether or not to believe the lies that Bipolar has twisted from the tiniest doubts that have zero basis to exist. Like the lies spat out during election year. (I hate election year, honestly)

Yesterday and this morning I contemplated taking my entire bottle of klonopin because Bipolar was whispering how much better off my kids and family would be without the perpetual fuck up that is me on the planet. Because really, who has faith in me anymore? I’m a worthless waste of precious air to those who need it more. No one would miss me, because no one gives a flying fuck. Really, my family doesn’t give a shit until I’m so far gone I need to go to the hospital and then they ask me, “Why didn’t you say something?!” To which I scoff and reply, “I did. You just never listen.”

I think that is one of the hardest parts of the lies of Bipolar. When we reach out and beg for that help we desperately need, we aren’t believed because we’ve been “functioning” so well. We “look” fine. We don’t “act or sound” crazy. Well, of fucking COURSE we don’t look, act or sound crazy because we are to busy “acting” normal so that WE don’t upset YOU’RE precious little diluted world of ignorance. The same world that society and Hollywood perpetuate. The world in which nothing BUT lies and greed feed off of the fear of others in order to continue to make us more dumb and more stupid and more idiotic than any other nation. TRUST ME when I say it. It’s all about the lies.

The difference between the lies of society and Hollywood vs the lies of mental illness are: we can’t change the ones in our head. We can fight them to live another day, but they always come back when we least expect them. When we are baseline..happy..healthy.. WHOLE. These times when we are our MOST vulnerable, no matter the medications and therapy and lifestyle changes we make. This is when the less begin to take root because they know when the fall comes..

They will be there to catch us and drag us down to hell.

You who follow me and talk to me and KNOW me know that I have been on the knife blade as of late. One TINY slip, and I will cut myself and fall to the abyss that is so longingly and lovingly beckoning at me. For me to share this struggle, right now, you know that I am not in a good place. But you all who encourage me and send me such positive thoughts, vibes and prayers are really the ones who help me the most. Because you’ve been there in some form or another. You don’t dismiss any feeling or question why or how long. I do my best to encourage you, too. Because I believe in karma and I believe by giving out good, I will get good back. You make me laugh, cry, smile, snort and guffaw when it’s needed, and when is totally inappropriate in public {one of my FAVORITE times and places to do so}. I haven’t even had the fucks to give to really read posts because I can’t feel anything. I am an empty room with white walls, and I can’t even be assed to begin to think of a design on what I want it to look like in the end. Because Bipolar whispers “You’ll never be good enough” and some days, like today, and the past few weeks I havent been good enough. I have zero fucks to give. But I know, I’m a warrior, fighting this battle, every god damned day, to prove to those who don’t know, who are to ignorant and idiotic to even try to understand that I AM better than them. That I AM stronger than they ever will be. And that NO ONE will tell me how to feel. It’s a battle I know I will lose some days, but those other days, make me a stronger warrior that they will never know how to tear down and destroy.

Because of Bipolar lies.