Comes Self Loathing. While Bipolar Lies twist our thoughts to make us think we aren’t worthy to stay on this earth and that our families and friends would be way better off without us darkening their lives, and Paranoia has us thinking things are happening that aren’t and there are voices telling us things no one would ever be able to comprehend, we now have Self Loathing that comes in and let’s us know how fucked up we really are. Joy of joys. You fucker.
Now, Self Loathing is an INGENIOUS bastard. It can take a nothing thing and turn it into a HUGE something. I look at myself and some days I am a beautiful badass bitch. I KNOW that I am strong and independent and I take no shit. Then there are days that Self Loathing just strolls into my head and says, “Today, you are nothing. You are a worthless and ugly. Your hair isn’t perfect or the right shade of red. You’re eyebrows aren’t like Catherine Zeta Jones so who will like you? You don’t have Kim Kardashian’s ass, so who would look at you? You are fat and no one wants you.” And it just goes on and on and on.
I’m not worthy to wear those jeans. Nothing fits because I’m a fat blob of a human. What’s the point of looking decent when all I feel is ugly? No one wants to be friends with me because I’m a bat shit crazy hot mess. Even when I work I don’t feel like I’m worthy enough to take care of the residents on my shift because there’s always someone that can do better.
But that’s all the Self Loathing murmuring in the background. Because I KNOW I’m good at my job and that if it weren’t for me some days, my residents wouldn’t be getting the help they need. I know I’m no Kardashian (thank fucking GAWD) because I’m not fake, i didn’t have to fuck someone to get to my half place in life. I’m more real than any of those people because my heart is pure goodness and love and honesty. I can look in my closet and not see fancy labels and expensive clothes to compensate for my own miserable self pity because my boyfriend didn’t get me the exact thing I wanted. Fuck. That.
I’m fucking GRATEFUL for what I have when Self Loathing isn’t running her trap in the back ground trying to make herself look good by bringing the good parts of me down. Self Loathing is a pain in the ass when she opens her damn mouth. Luckily for me, I just have to give her the look and she shuts the fuck up.
For others, Self Loathing is worse than Paranoia. The constant beating down of one’s self because of distorted thoughts brought on by Lies.
This is about the vicious cycle that goes on in our heads brought on by the downs of mental illness, but this is MY perception. All of this is not about one person or one thing in particular. This is about MY perception of MY Lies, Paranoia and Self Loathing in MY head. Some of you can relate and some can’t. These last few posts have to do with how I’M coping with what I’M going through right now. I want and I HOPE that people can see some similarities in our struggles, but don’t see things that aren’t there. We are all in this in some way or another, and we can help each other by speaking about our PERSONAL experiences with mental and chronic issues *My meds are fucked up and therefore my moods are fucked up and I’m experiencing life in a very dark way.*