This depression I am in is fucking relentless. And no one around me fucking sees how bad I’m struggling. It’s so bad, I’ve only gotten NSLM to school on time TWICE in two weeks. I’m waiting for his principal to call and Ima chew his fucking ass out. Just because I need something to naw on. Just, fuck.
Today Monkey’s school (all the elementary schools in her district) had their annual walk-a-thon, and of course I went. And I couldn’t feel a good damn thing but utter sadness and emptiness while I watched my beautifully vibrant daughter walk and talking and enjoy the time. I couldn’t even fucking smile. I fucking hung my head and fought back tears the tried to escape.
I am trying so fucking hard right now to tread water, and I’m not succeeding. I’m starting to fucking drown. I’m being smothered by the weighted blanket of depression, and I’m starting to feel the tendrils of despair wrap around my legs and wrists and pull me into the abyss. And I honestly don’t think I can fight it anymore. I don’t WANT to fight it anymore. I want to lie in my bed and shut my door and just be a shell of a human being. I look at my kids (granted they are being make assholes right now) and I can’t feel that motherly love and I fucking LOATHE that about me. Being a single mom right now, god damn I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to be a parent anymore. I don’t want to be ANYTHING. There’s no life behind these blue eyes.
That’s what scares me the most. The fact I can walk away from the two most precious gifts I was chosen to have and feel nothing.
Because I’m being smothered. Snuffed out like a candle flame. And no one sees it. Not even Florida.