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I saw my psych doc and the work comp doc before I left on my “vacation” and let me tell you guys… I feel completely defeated. My psych doc got the results back from my genetic testing and said I metabolize everything normally, which is great (according to him). Well then, why the fuck do I have such a hard time with side effects? His answer, I kid you not, “I don’t know.” And it was one of those I don’t knows what’s you get when you’re brushed aside and he’s not interested in trying to figure out the WHY of the beast. Then he said, “I don’t believe you have Bipolar Disorder at all. I think it’s just a mood disregulation disorder.” Ex-CUSE me?! ISN’T THAT WHAT FUCKING BIPOLAR IS IS MOOD DISREGULATION DISORDER ALONG WITH A FAULTY WIRED BRAIN?! I had such high hopes for this doc and they went RIGHT down the drain. He has never read my chart, he doesn’t pay attention to me when I talk about what’s going on and how I feel out of control AND he’s not worried about this persistent derision I’ve been in for fucking MONTHS. Pretty much since I had all those losses back to back and surgery and family issues and wtf… So he increased my Wellbutrin to 200 mgs and I’m back on the Klonopin twice a day again because my anxiety is up because TADA I’M FUCKING DEPRESSED AS FUCK. And didn’t even suggest a mood stabilizer because he thinks I don’t need one. Really?! I had to BEG for one, so he gave me a sample pack of a new one like Abilify but “without the weight gain size effect” *too which I rolled my eyes* and I was like fuck me. You are the doctor and this is what I get? So I took ONE DOSE which was 1.5 mgs, and I felt HORRIBLE! I slept 10 hours, but felt like I had the flu AND I woke up enough to keep myself from getting sick in the middle of the night. Fuckabunchofthatshit. Didn’t take it the next day and I was fine. I’m going to look for another doctor within the practice because that’s just utter bullshit. Fucking I don’t have Bipolar Disorder. Assfuckery.

As for the work comp doc, he thinks I’ve damaged the brachial nerve that runs down my neck under my collar bone and down my arm because it’s still sensitive to the touch around my collar bone and where I had my surgery PLUS I have diminished feeling in my arm. He also said that since i had to have a tiny bit of my collar bone shaved off that pretty much guarantees me for disability. So he suggested a test to check my bracial nervd but because it’s a work comp case I called the lawyer and was told I have to set up the great with that doctor and use my insurance. FUCKING GREAT! So tomorrow will be phone call day.

I am scheduled for surgery June 8 for my lady parts, again. The endo is pretty bad and Dr G is concerned because my periods are still all kinds of fucked up even with the Metformin. I did however ovulate and that’s why I ended up in the ER in April. Fucking joy joy there.

The only positive things I have going for me right now are I passed the oral interview and the typing portion for the dispatcher position I applied for. I hope that things go quickly, but probably not. Also, an old coworker has a part time position open in her office filing medical records at the local prison. Cross your fingers I can do that while applying did this dispatcher position.

AND TOMORROW I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO FILE FOR DIVORCE! My paperwork will be ready first thing in the morning including a fee waiver since I make zero dollars. Once it’s filed it’s a mandatory 60 day “cooling off” period in the state of Indiana (in case the parties want to reconcile, in this case HELL TO THE NAW I DO NOT FUCKING WANT) and then things will go from there. If need be the lawyer that helped with my paper work will be my representation.

April used to be such a shitty month for me. This year it’s been a good one.

But it still doesn’t take away the depression or the fact that I don’t give a fuck that I have no fucks to give. This depression is using me as a sparring partner, and I just can’t get up from the mat. And no matter how hard I try, it won’t let me tap out. I’m losing my will to keep fighting it, and I’m SO close to let it wrap me in its bone chilling embrace and drag me into the darkness.

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