I did. I really and truly wanted to die. And I had it all planned out. I was going to find and put away the laundry then take a shower. I was going to wash my hair with my best shampoo and conditioner and use my favorite body wash and lotion. I was going to shave my legs and clean up my eyes brows and even give myself a little pedicure. I was going to come into my room, lock the door and put on some comfy clothes but leave my bra off incase CPR needed to be administered (not that anyone would have checked on me).
And I was going to swallow a handful of my klonopin and wash it down with my Black Grouse and hope that it would all finally stop and I would have some fucking peace in my god damn life for once. Because even while I fight tooth and fucking nail for my sanity, right now it’s not enough.
I’m so fucking tired. I’m tired of pretending for everyone else that I’m ok. I’m tired of being mentally and physically exhausted every fucking day. I’m tired of being treated like a child then expected to be an adult. And I’m fucking tired of being over ruled as the parent to my children. And I’m tired of giving everything i can to my kids who have become ungrateful human beings who have taken me for granted.
And that shit fucking hurts. It hurts so fucking bad that I just want to walk away from it all. Since everyone else seems to be an expert on my life, then they can fucking deal with what I handle every day. Fine, you can raise my kids since you think you’ll do a better job. Fine. YOU can come in here and disrespect me as a parent because it’s not convenient for you to get your head out of your ass and not follow the schedule. FINE! YOU DEAL WITH THE DEATH OF YOUR OLDEST AND BEST FRIEND EVERY FUCKING DAY KNOWING YOU ARE THE LAST PERSON THEY TALKED TOO AND TELL ME TO GET OVER IT.
FUCK. YOU. FUCK! YOU!
I am so tired of fucking TRYING and fighting every god damn day to not fucking drown. And no one, not one fucking person around me sees me struggling to just fucking MAINTAIN! But they’ll be the first to point out how “lazy” I am, and how I don’t take care of my kids, or how I’m on skype all the time. But OH NO! Don’t point that finger back because that’s not fair.
I am in a pervasive depression that I can not escape from and it’s so bad, that I no longer care if I come out of it. I just do. not. care. anymore. I don’t care about working. I don’t care about having surgery anymore. I don’t care about my work comp case. I. Do. Not. Care. I want to curl into a ball and die. I want to let the blackness swallow me and rid this earth of me. And tomorrow will be another shitty “Mother’s Day”. Yay.
And they say I’m ok….
SassaFrass, The Feisty 
My friend I am sorry for your woes. Hang in there, life is challenging but you are made of metal and you can do this. Grace and peace to you today.
Thank you so much
Hang tough Sass!! Sending you some calming and tranquil vibes put a much needed *virtual hug* that goes on so long that is becomes borderline awkward! 😉. Seriously though, rooting for you! Take care!
Thank you Vic. Send some sea salt air my way too if you can. I love that smell
Done!
😊
I feel this post. My kid is ungrateful in spite of me going into day 4 with all her friends here demanding all our food then sneaking it when I’m in the bathroom. I’ve been avoiding R for days because he blew me off the other night, didn’t even call to say he was too busy to work on my car…It’s like, fuck him, he can get what he gives. I am even avoiding my dad’s calls cos no doubt R put him up to it, they’re old buddies. Tonight I am going to my mom’s cos my sister is cooking us a mother’s day meal and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
But I am running on empty and I don’t speak up to these people who supposedly care cos they’d just judge and dismiss and that is NOT helping. So every day I flop about like a fish out of water and hope for even one good day, or even a good hour..And conservative doctor won’t raise my anti depressant even ten mg in spite of how far down the rabbit hole I am.
It does hurt, but more than hurt it’s just exhausting. I’ve got nothing left to give, but everyone keeps taking.
I say we get our Z whackers and a cache of booze and hole up together waiting for the apocalypse. Bleak as it is portrayed it still cheers me up more than this shit.
Idk how you are handling the noise because i damn near freaked out on NSLM just for whistling…
And R and your dad can both sick the shit stick for the short they put you through with that good damn death trap car. At least your sister is cooking a Mother’s Day meal and good for you for going in spite of not wanting too.
I hate running on empty and being told to give more more more… God what we wouldn’t give for ONE decent day… It’s sell my soul right now if that meant WE wouldn’t be like this anymore. And fuck the “professionals” who think they know what the fuck they’re doing. Assfuckery. Is your rabbit hole lined with razor wire? Mine seems to be… And you’re right, they all keep taking and they are all assholes for doing so.
I found the perfect Zombie Readiness Kit on fuckfacebook… We just need to stock like the ammo and Z Whackers, booze and Z Weed. That sounds WAAAAY more fun and better than all this shit for sure!
z weed lol ok
Sissy girl I really can only tell you I love you & am here for you, really. Big hugs! (don’t, please don’t try to hurt yourself. You know I almost died twice by my hands & I pray I never try again, *not saying I never feel like it). I’m here girlie ❤
Thanks. Idk how i managed NOT to do it, but i didn’t so that had to say SOMETHING, right? Love ya bunches
Yes it does! ❤
You have 4 ways to get hold of me: text, call, FB/FB msgr & Email, ,, got it! !!
Yes ma’am!
Oh, && here!
LOL of course!
I wish I knew how to make it all better for you aside from sending a virtual ((hug)). Hang in there. Things always get better. Eventually.
Thank you. If there were more doctors like you for people like us, we wouldn’t be so bad sometimes ❤️
Fuck yea fuck that. I wrote fantasizing about what I might do on a day off without extra requirements (anyone else notice how similar that word is to requiem?) So I slept until I had to get up, had a few moments alone with Mrs. M., had breakfast, did the smallest chore I could find and then went back to sleep for a few hours until the family woke me up. She wants to go to the store after dinner. Sure. Sass, I wish we could just fix the shit that makes you so discouraged, but if you do need a safe space to just rest, I could open the bunker. Families take us for granted, it just blows huge chunks, and I’m sorry. Please don’t do anything drastic like checking out, b/c I need you. We all do. -DM
Morgue and i will gladly come to your bunker and bring our Z Whackers and my Zombie Readiness Kit, along with the ammo stockpiles and booze. We won’t need the meds though since the Zombies will eat brains, and probably mill themselves that way.
I helped my mom with the garage sale, then swept and vacuumed. I still haven’t taken a shower or eaten today.
Only way things will get fixed is by getting the fuck out of this state and the fuck away from my family. This is the first time I’ve ever actually had a PLAN so definitive and in place that i want even scared. I was ready. Now? I just want to eat and binge watch Outlander.
I’m not going anywhere for now.
What’s outlander? Is that the show I need to binge watch after Dexter?
It’s kinda historical science fiction fantasy romance. It starts in 1945 Post WWll Scotland then Claire falls through a set of standing stones BACK IN TIME to 1743 before the Rising of ’45. It’s based on a serie by Diana Gabaldon. She’s working on book 9 now, along with a novea and another Lord John Grey book. I LOVE HER WRITING! She’s also an executive producer of the show
Sorry Sass to hear your life is so like mine at the moment. I get treated like a child by everyone, dad and my kids (all adults) and don’t know why it makes me upset.
while I was in the hospital the family decided I need to be downstairs so I don’t isolate as much or have much stuff or fall down the stairs anymore. They care, I get it, just don’t like it.
I am no longer allowed to access more than a couple days of medications. The hospital asked if I had a plan. Yes I said, Stupid move, They told my family to take all of my pills away (I hoarded them for a reason) and dole them out as needed. I asked what happens if I don’t tell you my plan. they would commit me rather than me being there voluntarily.
I guess they forgot there are many ways to die if you want to. Hope you don’t want to. Once I tried a handful of klonopin and a whole bottle of wine. Didn’t do a thing. So was saving more for a later try if I felt like it.
Life sucks right now. God bless you Sass.
At least your family is trying to help you in positive ways, even if you don’t see it that way right now. They care enough to make sure you don’t get hurt, even if it’s not falling down the stairs (which I’m sure it’s due to the fibro and nerve and feet issues *boooo*) I don’t even think my family would even take my meds knowing i had a plan, so that speaks volumes of them. I was gonna wash mine down with some good scotch-like 1/3 of a bottle.
Love DOES suck and I’m sick and tired of all of us having to fight this shit.
Your faith is strong even though it’s being tested. I really admire that about you 🙏🙏🙏❤️ Good bless you Tessa ❤️
You are right Sass they are doing it even though it makes things hard on them. I am thankful for them, while I bitch about them. Love, they do it out of love, not duty. Some day I will be glad for what I have. Some day soon I hope to stop bitching about them. I didn’t used to cry. Now I can’t seem to help it and I cry over everything. My therapist ( the one I have to replace) was shocked by the tears and I cried the entire session while I poured my heart out. These tears have to stop. Thank you for your kind words and your faith in me. ❤
It’s so overwhelming when things are out of our control and all we know how to do is cry to express it. Sometimes crying is all we have for awhile. Yes, your family is helping you out of love, where mine does it out of duty. Bullshit, isn’t it?
And you’re so very welcome. I know how much you have been putting your faith in Christ and even the strongest have their shaky times. {Hugs}
As much as I complain about my family, they do love me and do what they think is best to help me. I’m sorry yours do it out of duty. I hate feeling out of control though, that I am being monitored.
Yeah the hall monitor thing sucks, but at least you know you aren’t alone through it ❤️
Wish everyone had those that cared.
I’m so sorry you’re in such anguish and pain. It is NOT easy, and the people closest to us often don’t understand. You curl into a ball, do whatever you have to that gives you comfort or reprieve. But whatever you do DO NOT STOP BREATHING!. Since this depression has been going on for a while, perhaps calling your doc or going to hospital would be an option? I’m keeping you in my thoughts and sending you hugs
The doc was useless when i saw him. So i called to be transferred to another one within the practice. Asshat. The hospital isn’t an option because i need more individualized attention and booze (that’s SUPPOSED to say noise but i left it because it’s awesome) will trigger me and send me off into a tail spin.
Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. They really are helping!
Well…. cheers and bottoms up! I really do hope you feel better. What about Mr Mathers, is not doing his job? Take care Sass ❤
They are letting me see the NP at the practice but i don’t see her until the 31 of this month which TOTALLY sucks ass because i can feel myself going into a mixed episode. Hoo fucking ray
That’s a long time to wait – I’m sending you hugs
You have always been a sweet soul to me. You have been the one to reach out to me when I knew I had friends, but you’re the one who stood up and said, “”I haven’t heard from you in a while. Are you okay?” Don’t you dare get down on yourself because of the degradation you receive from the bottom feeders. You are a sweet, caring, soul. I know EXACTLY what you feel like and it sucks, IT REALLY, TRULY, HONESTLY sucks. And I wish I could suck it out of your body and inject it into mine so you could live freely beyond the chains of Specter. I love you and pray, pray, pray that the Wahrlog of Darkness backs the heck up from your life. You have my number and you know it’s there for you unconditionally. xXx
Thank you so much my friend. That made me cry happy years, from your supportive and words of strength. Thank you thank you. Ima beat that Wahrlog’s ass because i can feel a mixed episode coming on… And maybe that’s what I’m in now. Grrr *swings her Z Whacker*
Oh Sass, I’m so sorry that you were so low and I wasn’t around. The one thing that I did notice is that you said that you didn’t want to wear a bra in case CPR was needed, and that told me that at least a small part of you wanted to live. It sucks so bad. I’ve had several close calls in the last couple months, with the most recent being the most severe. It’s horrible when our families treat us as though we are just not trying, when all we do is try. It’s just that pretending that we are not miserable takes a LOT of energy, more then I ever thought possible. I expend more energy now, just pretending, then I ever did working a job. I’m glad that you are no longer at suicide low, but I am sorry that you are still in a horrible depression. Hugs across the miles for you. xo
Thank you. I just wanted it to stop, you know? Just wanted that peace. And i have a doc that just does not get it now seems to care. Fucker. My family drinks themselves into oblivion so they don’t have to deal. I’m not like that. But, fuck, when we get this low that say “Why didn’t you say anything?!” Assfuckery YOU DIDN’T LISTEN! and yes, it takes so much damn energy to pretend that it is a full time job plus over time with ZERO pay. We deserve Oscars, Tony’s, and fucking Nobel Peace Prizes for the shit we do!
Thank you for the hugs. (And Happy Mother’s Day even though you are a step mom. A mom is a mom no matter what ❤️❤️)
Thanks sweetie
You’re so welcome
And yes, I know exactly how you were feeling. It’s a horrible horrible horrible place to be and because we are so skilled at pretending, people rarely have any inkling that things are as bad as they are.
Fucking shit hole abyss of tarred quagmire
Exactly what I was going to say! To the word! lol
And, yes, it is
Great minds 😉
Sending lots of hugs to you, Sass. Fighting that kind of depression is hell enough without all the other shit added on top of it. I hope the people in your life wise up and understand how they are treating you isn’t helping things, to put it mildly. I’m here if you want someone to talk to. ❤
Thanks E. No, they will never wise up because that means they have to actually acknowledge that there is a fundamental problem and they will need to be more aware of things. And that means they would have to face their own issues that they have long been drowning in booze. Sigh. I’ll just keep on pushing through like i always have, by myself. And thanks. I may email you tomorrow (my phone first said fondue and i thought YUMMY chocolate!) Loved your IG of BG!
Yeah fat chance of that happening, from my own experience.
Make sure you email me pictures of chocolate fondue then 😀 😀
That girl is a pure mess!
I just want to cyber hug you!! This sounds so much like the post I just wrote. I’m just tired. But I keep trying to remember that there will be a breakthrough at some point and for a while I will feel better. You can’t have the bad without the good. I’m glad you didn’t go through with it. I am new to your blog, but I already feel like we have many things in common. Keep on writing!!!
Thanks. It’s been dark for a long time, which is SO not my cycle. Alot has happened in my life and I’m still here. I just keep swimming. And since I’ve been on such a dark place I haven’t written like I was. I hope to get back there, even if a little bit. 😊