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Life is hard. Like, really, really, REALLY hard. Throw in some kind of mental affliction (I like that word better than illness and condition) then life becomes downright impossible at times. Notice how I said AT. TIMES.

I started this post two days ago I think. No. It was three because it was Saturday and Saturday was Shawna’s boys’ birthday. So I had a rough day, having so many good and funny memories going through my head. But then it brought back the reality that she’s gone. It sucked major donkey balls. Still does.

Anyway. I can’t remember what started off this post, so I’ll just give all y’all a rundown of my last week or so.

I saw the NP at my old therapy office and I like her. I told her as much as I could in an hour (which I was fucking grateful for) and she is concerned about the lingering depression as well. So she started me on Rexulti. It’s like Abilify, but in a more “pure form” (fuck sounds like we are talking about street drugs when you say ‘pure form’) and that it doesn’t have the weight gain like the Abilify. *Bonuses: VERY few side effects, super low dose AND low cost through insurance AND I’m feeling better already. The insert said you can get a therapeutic dose in under 2 weeks. Fuck Yeah I’ll take that shit. Started out on .5mgs and I’m up to 1 mg this week. And that’s where I’m gonna stay for awhile. She thinks that all the meds have been too high on the doses because of the side effects I’ve had. I like her. She listened, and asked questions, and looked at me while taking her notes. Though the vibrating phone set me on edge a bit. I’ve noticed I’m not AS noise sensitive, but I don’t really want to be around people or noise (phone said booze, yes I’ll take all that please!) just because of idiocy and stupidity. I can’t remember if I posted about seeing Jane. I think I did. I feel better after seeing her. I feel better (clearer head) mentally. I’m still struggling emotionally and that’s too be expected.

Let’s see… FINALLY got ANOTHER letter for Vocational Rehab and I called and I was informed that I wouldn’t see anyone until FUCKING JULY and I was like, look. “I’ve been in the program since January. I had a case manager but the day I called they were like, ‘Oops, today is her last day, so we will put you back in the system and you should have another soon.’ And here it is the end of May, and now you’re telling me I have to wait until the MIDDLE of JULY?!” So I was like, fine, as long as I see someone. Then I got a call from my work comp law office, and they asked a few questions about pain management and what-not. I’m not on any pain meds, just I’ve and ibuprofen. Then Voc rehab calls back and says, “I talked to MY supervisor and let her know what’s going on and told her it’s not fair that you would have to wait since you’ve BEEN waiting since January. So I can get you a different counselor that can see you sooner.” And I was like “FUUUUUCK YEAH!” But I didn’t say that. I said I’ll take it, I don’t care. I need a job. So on the 10th I go in at 10 am to get this shit taken of, FINALLY. THEN, my lawyer’s office calls BACK and asked a couple more questions and told me that are sending in a demand of….. $60,000. I was like 60? She said yes. Were you expecting more than that? I said no! I was expecting less-enough to cover some bills and get a new car since mine died. She said that I won’t get that amount, and I was like I DON’T CARE! Send in the demand so we can get this shit taken care of!

So two important things taken care of the same day. I see the NP on the 7th at 11am, and I’ve signed myself and NSLM up for an acne study. It pays $50 per session of you qualify and they will pay for medical related stuffs. Sweet, right?

Today I had to call Dr G because of issues with the metformin and I, as in I think I’m pregnant because I haven’t started yet (never late unless I’m pregnant) and I’m nauseous and I have TERRIBLE heartburn and my poor tatas HURT! I’m taking a daily nap on top of 10 hours of sleep at night. And my body temp is all kinds of out of whack. Again, only happens when I’m pregnant. PLUS, I can’t stand the heat. It makes me more nauseated. Joy. So a call into Dr Gs office, then a 20 minute round about phone call about getting this test done to check my brachial nerve. Productive on the phone call front. I also cleaned alot over the weekend. *E, I finally put all the school stuff away…. TODAY…and by today I mean Monday*

In sadder news, my beloved Vivi has met her end. She can’t hold any fluid so every time I pour in coolant-which I switched to water because really, that’s just wasting money on coolant-it just comes right back out. And every time I turn on my car, more fluid leaks from some unknown place. Morgue, my dad is like it’s just a hose and we just need to look. DAD. They only way to even LOOK is to take the entire front bumper and grill off, but I can’t because the two fucking star screws that hold it in place are stripped from when I had the radiator replaced at Big O. AND I can’t even find out which KIND of radiator I have (because apparently there are two different radiators for my car for fucks sake) BECAUSE I CAN’T GET THE FUCKING FRONT END OFF! My mom is like Oh you can sell that for X amount of money. Um, no I can’t because it has this, this, and this wrong, PLUS 255k miles. Even though I have kept her maintained and I’m only the third owner, I’m not going to lie to some poor fool because I DO need a better car. I called Pick-A-Part and they offered $300 cash and I was like hell yeah I’ll bring it ASAP. Then my omnipotent and omniscient parents are like slow down. Their friend knows someone that buys imports so now I have to wait for HIM… FUCK ME.

All I wanted was to go see Florida graduate, and I couldn’t and I was heartbroken but I’M OH SO Proud OF HIM!

So, in closing, I’ve been productive but it’s still the hurry up and wait game, but things are going in a better direction (was gonna say right, but what is the right direction, really?). And I’m telling you, that when I get some money, I’m going to Florida to spend time with my love, and to start looking for even more good things down there. Because, frankly, I’ve found that my “support” is no longer my support here. So there’s nothing really holding me here anymore.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, but the clarity is returning making things easier to talk about again. The depression is still there but it’s not oppressive. Now I’m hungry. This has been about of work.