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I had a doctor appointment on Tuesday with my OBGYN.  I have been having issues with my lady parts, among other things as always.  I started metformin back in March to help regulate my periods.  As in, to have them.  I stopped taking it because 1) the nausea was HORRIBLE and 2) it caused my blood pressure to go up. Woohoo, right?  A medicine used to help women with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and used to manage blood sugars made my usually on the low side of normal to go up. And not just a tiny bit, but almost 30 points some days.  No.  Just.  NO!  And I started Rexulti in May and guess what?  Same.  Damn.  THING!  So I stopped THAT med, too.  What’s the point of sanity if I have to be on a blood pressure medicine to counter act a side effect from a psych med?!  ANYWAY…

I had to get another ultrasound because of the cyst on my right ovary and the pain and blah blah blah.  Well, you know it’s not going to be a good visit when you get “The Look” from your doctor.   That, this is not a normal visit, look.  My history is not complex but not easy.  Because of the bipolar disorder and all of the medication I’ve been on and stopped because of side effects plus my gynecological (that word just rolls off of my tongue) history, I present an abnormal case.  Not difficult, but definitely not easy and clear-cut.

I have a mass on my right ovary that is 6 centimeters across.  It’s not like the cyst I had removed two years ago.  There is fluid in the cyst, but there are also tendrils.  Whatever THAT means.  On top of not having an actual period, my body is putting me at a greater risk of uterine and ovarian cancer.  This cyst wasn’t there in April when I went to the ER and had an ultrasound done then.  Dr G just wants to watch it and go back in three months.

I talked to my family and most importantly to Florida and we decided that surgery is the better option than to “wait and see”.  Fun times, right?  My body is slowly turning against me at a time when I am begging it to function properly.   But how can I ask it to do that after all of the medication I have been on to try to stabilize my brain and then the birth control I used to prevent that ONE THING I’ve wanted more than anything most of my life?  

I’m trying NOT to think of the “what if” scenarios plating through my head.  But they are always there, just under the surface and fueled by fear that I may not be able to have the family I envisioned in my future with Florida.   It’s a very real fear I have, even if it is a tiny one.  

Because I’ve FINALLY found someone that loves me and wants to have children with out of love, not convenience, and believes in me as a partner and parent…and wants good things for and with me.  And my body is like “Ha ha!  No.”  And I don’t know how to take it all in…

So now it’s just the waiting game.