It’s been a stressful time round here. Very stressful.
I have surgery on Wednesday, and I’m nervous about that, ya know. Last Wednesday was the child support and provisional hearing for my divorce…I. HATE. That. Man. HATE HATE HATE HATE! I was so pissed off that I was crying after. I’m not going to go into it right now because it still makes me fucking angry. I will, eventually.
I started back on lithium. Because I was tired of feeling nothing. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t feel anything other than that despair that just floats under the surface (and has been for MONTHS). I was on autopilot, and we all know how that goes. Had my labs drawn the day I started and would you believe my lithium level was .1? It’s to be between .6-1, and mine was damn near non existent. Probably a HUGE reason as to why I wasn’t feeling anything.
So I’ve been on it for 3 weeks and I went from Numb Navy back to Sassy. Though, as Morgue calls it, i hit the Lithium Lotto…though its more like Craps for me and im constantly rolling snake eyes. Nausea, wanting to eat but nothung tastes good or hits the spot. Blah. Everything irritates me. Noise, people, life, my car. Not work though. I find peace and comfort there. It’s routine and predictable, yet not. And quiet most of the time. I enjoy it. I honestly would rather be at work than dealing with people. Shocking, I know. And I know that there are alot of you that read my blog and who wish they could work again, and I wish that for you too. I REALLY and TRULY do. I wish I could take all of my friends and work together because it’s quiet in the sense there’s no overbearing asshole bosses or coworkers coming in, but there’s noise from the music we play, and the clinking of keys and locks. But it’s not bad. And it doesn’t require alot of knowledge right off the bat, you can slowly learn things. It’s a challenge but not a hinderence. Maybe one day I’ll start a non-profit for my blog buddies…(I think that’s a bit of the racing thoughts coming back). And the anxiety is back, but probably because I’ve been stressed. Or now that I’m back in the land of the feeling, things are heightened again. Even my relationship with Florida has been stressed, for many reasons.
Seems there are a shit ton of factors lately that are hell bent of bringing some of us down. But we will all get through it. We always do.
I’ve missed blogging. I’ve missed feeling my feelings. I’ve missed being lippy and loud and smartassy. I’ve missed my blog friends, old and new. I know the lithium probably won’t work forever, and I’ll continue on the medi-go-round, but that’s what keeps us fighting, right?
Yeah, I know this seems like a unicorns that shit rainbows kinda post. It’s not. Yes, there’s been some good, but there’s still alot of shit mixed in there. I’m just not in a place to discuss it.
I am, however, in a place to smack people in the face…with cement blocks. Repeatedly. Because I can’t deal with any more idiocy. Thank God Z Nation starts soon. Or I’d find a way to off myself with a homemade Z Whacker ala Morgue’s custom shop.