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It’s Sass’s turn to speak her piece.

I’ve had a rough week.  Nothing like sitting in your doctor’s office for your pre-surgery visit when you find out you’ve lost another friend to suicide.  You’ve got all kinds of questions banging around in your head. That’s 2 in less than 11 months.  It fucking sucks.  Though Ulla and I didn’t correspond like alot of you guys, I still consider her my friend, even if loosely based.  I have closer friendships here than out in the real world.  Anyway…

I read those sorrowful words and sat crying waiting to get registered for labs.  And I wasn’t crying so much for the fact that she made her decision, I was crying for the fact we lost our Tribal Leader.  Because, in essence, she was.  She was the one who we kind of all flocked too, like chicks to a mother hen, because she knew so much about so many things!  Once she told me she just knew a little bit about alot of things.  And that was her being modest.  Her linkdumps were informative, shocking, and funny at times.  She talked about putting the “Butch” into embroidery.  I often wonder if she pulled it off?

There were MANY inside jokes between us tribespeople.  There was orgasmic chocolate hand rolled on the legs of lesbians, syphilisporks, pegacorns, isporkacorns, riding giraffes through streets, and of course her dragon.  Her dragon wasn’t for used for transport, I found out.  He was quite testy.

Her love of art, poetry, Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit-Gandalf specifically, the beach with the sunrise and sunset and her beloved Solo.  She got me with a Mark Rothko post.  I became OBSESSED with learning about him, and he has a church in Texas-BEAUTIFUL place.  I should go there as a salute to her.   We talked about his work and how it can be seen as simplistic and complex, and you can even use it to explain bipolar with the way he uses the colors.  Let me point out-I am not an art person.  At. All.  But this work she shared, spoke VOLUMES to me.  And I’m fucking grateful she shared one of her favorite artists.  

Her heart was so big and golden even while she was deep in the dark.  She encouraged us when she had little encouragement herself.  Even with the single word Strongs she was able to help any of us know we aren’t ever alone.  Her dark, raw, real and true honesty made people sit back and really think about things from a different perspective.  She was never one to bullshit or sugarcoat, and I don’t think she expected us to do so in return.

Yes, she struggled with the darkness and yes she talked about not wanting to live in that place anymore.  It’s real and honest and part and parcel with Bipolar and depression, along with being treatment resistant and the medi-go-round and therapists and COUNTLESS asshole doctors.  It fucking sucks that she isn’t here anymore.  Am I angry?   No, because she’s finally at peace and back with her dear mother whom was her world.  Do I miss her?  Fuck yes I do.  Who wouldn’t miss her snappy comebacks and linkdumps and her honesty?  I think we all fucking miss her for a myriad of reasons, no more or less than the next person.

She showed us all a little piece of her, and together, we get the whole picture.  And today, we remember and love and honor her, and celebrate her life and her freedom.  Jill, I hope she had that cheese sandwich.

Peace and Love, Dear Ulla.  May you never have to smack anyone in the face with a barbed wired dildo. 💖