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Gawd, it’s been so long since I blogged. So much has gone on in my life, and I don’t know if I can really write it all down and make sense. I’ll just start and see where it goes.

I’ve been struggling financially. Who doesn’t these days? I’ve been at my job 2 treats now, and I’ve only had to call in a handful of times. But the stress from my job… It’s now effecting my health and mental health more. I’ve been unmedicated for almost 18 months now-not by choice, and having death with our Tribal Leader’s passing, my best friend’s passing as well, another Tribal members too in a relatively short time span hasn’t helped. My divorce took its toll on me mentally as well. Florida spontaneously moving here, moving out, struggling with money, getting evicted, finding a new place that comes with an elderly landlord that had no clue how bad this place really is, my truck payment behind….

Y’all… I’m gonna lose my ever loving shit. I can’t concentrate on anything. I can read maybe half of a blog post before I move on. I can’t read-one of my go-to methods to ground myself when I’m depressed-or pay attention to music or movies or my game… Mostly because it feels like there’s cotton in my ears and the Hive is pissed so it’s all angry buzzing in my head. I can’t do my job at work because my anxiety makes my OCD take over and everything has to be in place before I can do my job. And it’s not even things that have to do with my job that have to be in place. I spent an hour and a half organizing supplies because they didn’t make sense. Why am I going to 3 or 4 different shelves for 1 specific supply need?? GAH. Papers, pens, markers, my fucking emails…

I’m exhausted but can’t sleep longer than 5 hours solid. I have headache and migraines and my eyes twitch daily and I take Tylenol, Advil, and Excedrin like candy. My ears hurt, my eyes hurt, my sinuses hurt, my vision is blurry, my neck hurts, my feet hurt to the point of not being able to walk. My body-my whole being-just hurts. It’s that ache you have when you want relief, but you don’t know if you want a sleep induced coma, a stay at a treatment facility, or the piece of death. Some days, that kind of peace is very near the surface-those dates seen to be growing in number. Most days, I just want to be able to relax and enjoy a simple meal. You don’t realize what you miss-like eating chicken noodle soup in a little brown crock instead of the 2 cup Pyrex measuring cup out of the microwave. Or warm chocolate chip cookies with ice cream. The thought of break and bake cookies exhausts me. But I was able to rehang 2 curtain rods the other day and wash the curtains… But hung up 2 out of the 7 I bought.

My anxiety is so bad I feel like I’m choking again. I feel it all the time. At work is the worst. I went to the store and walked around running my throat because I swore I had on a true neck, not a bikini top under my low cut tank top. I feel like I’m constantly being watched at work by my supervisors and coworkers because they’re waiting to catch me fucking up and I’ll get fired and gate locked and I won’t ever get another job and my kids are better off without me. I’m constantly frozen requiring winner fuzzy socks, long pants, shirt, hoodie AND the most amazing warm and fuzzy blanket ever found at Goodwill. I literally look like a little kid wrapped up in my blankie wherever I go in the house. I was sleeping under 3 blankets to stay warm and to have the extra weight on me.. But I can’t have my feet covered up and Florida kept taking all the blankets and is always be cold anyway. He’s been told that I will cut him if he even attempts to use my new blankie.

I can’t find the time to bathe, but I logged 130+hours on my Horizon: Zero Dawn game and beat it today (over a 2 month time frame, not consecutively) and started another game on the hardest difficulty (which I NEVER do).

Yes, I KNOW it’s irrational. Yes, I KNOW it’s my fucked up brain distorting everything for me. Y’all, I can’t say that I’m scared because it’s been a rough 2 ½ years and I know this is my longest depression bout, but I’m worried because my body and my head can’t hear each other to let me know that I’m in the danger zone. You wanna know what did? My fucking game. Because I finished it, watched ALL the credits-including the production babies that get credits now-the WTF moment at the end, and the last 30 secure that made me back my fucking eyes out. Because I know what it’s like to be an outcast and STILL help all those others in the end and still be alone.

I think I’m in another mixed episode. I wanna cook and clean and scrub the floor and cry while I do it. My brain is going too far for my body but I get find the energy to give a fuck what my brain wants to tell me. Y’all, it’s a precarious and fragile place to be, right before the beginning of summer for my heathens-which Thing 2 is REALLY testing my sanity and strength at the moment. And poor Florida, he’s trying more than my ex husband did try to help and support me.. But he doesn’t quite understand that even right now I don’t understand what’s going on with me. Plus I can’t give him support when I can’t support myself emotionally and mentally. Going to the store was once a favorite thing to do because I can wander the aisles and not have to rush because it was my time alone. Now, I wanted the aisles because I can’t remember what I wanted to get as I walked into the store so it turns into a small anxiety attack and I wish through and forget half the shit I went in there to get in the first damn place.

So, I called in for tomorrow and I have a Dr appointment Tuesday that I’ve had scheduled for about 6 weeks. Hopefully she can help because sorry of finding a hospital that I don’t owe money to that will let me stay in partial, I’ll probably have a psychotic episode that will require a reservation a the Rubber Ramada. At least there I’ll get room service without an attitude. And if they want a tip, I’ll tell em this: “Don’t be an asshole.”

I’m on the struggle bus and on the Highway To Hell…