For the few of us that received and email about an hour ago, I wanted to write my personal feelings on it. This person is wonderful and amazing no matter how much they self doubt and self sanatorium themselves based on trying to fit a model they were not born of. This person has shared their anger, frustration, rage, sadness, emptiness, creativity, loneliness, self-isolation, mania and as much as they want to deny it, the love recently found in someone to compliment them.
Taking a step back and away is not a bad thing or a selfish thing-it’s a damn hard decision to make and a healthy one as well. In order to find a semblance of a baseline-better than stability imo-one must seek help from others and look deep inside themselves to recognize that help is needed on a larger scale than once thought and anticipated.
This person is a very dear friend to a lot of us here on WP, and is one of our tribe. Please send out positive vibes and prayers or whatever you believe in to help our dearest friend travel this rickety bridge to get back to a healthier place.
Friend, know you are loved, want extras, and will be missed greatly, but you of all people know we will be right here for your return. I promise no sunshiny rainbow vomit or Pegacorns shitting Skittles, but I can promise you will be welcomed back with open arms as if you’ve never left.
Take care, dear friend, and know you have NEVER been alone and you never will be. And ffs give that person a chance and stop being so scared. You are worth it and worthy of what is to be offered. Love you, Dearly
Love-A Fighter In Your Corner
Daily Journal, Dealing, Depression, emotional state, Emotions, Florida, Free Writing, Friends, Friendship, Grateful, Gratefulness, Healing, Heart Ache, Heart break, Honesty, Journal, Letting Go, Life, Living, Loss, Love, Random, Randomness, Reality, Relationships, Thankful, Truth, Understanding
These past couple almost three months since I have been Florida’s physical presence have been HARD. The distance apart has been a physical pain, a throbbing and constant ache that can’t be soothed. The only time it eased is when we talked, and that became less and less. I expected this. I expected him to pull away, to turn to those bad habits that he is used too. He’s a Young Gun, and we are 1,028 miles apart and our age difference REALLY bothered him-but not for himself, but for the approval of his family he has always so desperately sought.
Then there were the accusations that began to fly. The questioning demeanor he began to have for me, towards me. I had to ask myself MANY times, “Where’s the man who knows ME??” Why are these people who know NOTHING about me or the intensity and depth of our relationship planting such seeds of doubt and sorrow into his heart?? The only thing I came up with OVER and OVER with: Jealousy. These people are jealous of the ease at which we can be honest to each other. They are jealous of the reality of our love for each other. These people are JEALOUS of our fucking HAPPINESS. That’s when the remaining part of my heart broke-not for me or us, but for Nathaniel.
It broke for the man I know who always doubted himself and his worthiness to BE loved and DESERVING of that love from someone who didn’t need anything from him but his honesty, and his true self and heart. It fucking broke because he will always think he will never be worthy of good love, true love, REAL and HONEST love. He continues to accept the love he thinks he deserves, which is less than nothing. I know why he feels this way, and it will never be my place to say.
I finally realized why such a large part of my heart was torn from my body and left in such a beautiful place in Florida on January 18, at 3:30 pm: because he took the part of my heart that was damaged and darkened, diseased even: so that I could heal and become healthy and whole again, and Accept The Love I Know I Deserve.
And for that, I am forever thankful to him.
*Last meme created by your one and only Sassafrass
Confusion, Daily Journal, Dealing, Dreams, emotional state, Emotions, Florida, Free Writing, Friends, Friendship, Healing, Heart Ache, Heart break, Honesty, Hope, Journal, Life, Living, Loss, Love, Moods, Reality, Relationships, Turth, Understanding
Have you ever had a connection with someone who no matter how close or distant, no amount of time or space can separate you from each other? Think of the late and great Robbin Williams in “What Dreams May Come“. This is the kind of connection I have with Florida. I will go into the deepest and darkest parts of his personal hell to save him, and he’s already gone through some of mine. He comes to me the most and the strongest at night in my dreams. The other night when I came home from working a split evening/night shift I felt and I swear I SAW someone in the back of the truck. It kinda freaked me out at first, but then I reached out and I sensed who it was. I laughed out-loud a bit, and I talked to him all the way home. He didn’t leave when I got home. As soon as I walked into the door my daughter said, “Mom?” “Yes baby-girl. Why are you awake?” “I felt someone touch me, like this, and I woke up. I think it was X.” “You know, you’re probably right. I think he rode home with me to make sure I got home safe to you and your brother.” “Oh, okay.” And we went to sleep. Friday night, after taking a pain pill from my broken tooth-another post-I swear to the Lord above he was in my room, watching me, from the corner by the closet. He was mad-PISSED actually, because I was talking to a guy friend in another country. So I talked to him. I told him he can’t be mad. He made his decision. He knows where I am and how to get a hold of me. I love him and I miss him, he has my heart as no one ever will, but he can’t be shitty if I’m trying to live my life here in Indiana. He’s in Florida, and he has all the things HE needs to do, and I have all the things here I need to do. I don’t hold it against him, but it doesn’t lessen the amount of hurt that I feel. And he was just there, glaring at me, arms crossed, and I said fuck it. I eventually cried myself to sleep, and I felt him change from jealousy to hurt and remorse, and pain, and love. I swear he whispered in my ear that he loves me. I KNOW he loves me, it’s just a REALLY fucked up situation ALL the way around…god I want to explain it so BADLY here, but there is just SO MUCH background that I haven’t gotten too yet…
Anyway…I’ve had quite a few dreams where he’s there, calling for me, asking for help. It’s SOOO fucking HARD to NOT text or call to see how he is…because I know he will flip and get pissy-not because I’m asking how he is, but because of the other people in his head that have made me out to be the bad person…I’m trying to get into his dreamscape and save him, the man who I know is being held down…god damn I love him so fucking much it physically HURTS being apart. I feel him with me, touching me, holding me, watching me, waiting for me. Call me crazy or whatever you want. MY gut or intuition or psychic being or whatever you want to call it is so fucking in-tune with his that no matter how hard I try to break it, it is indestructible. I waited almost 3 months before. I’ll wait 3 years if I need too. I know he is my other half, beyond my soul mate. He is everything that is important to me, the third most amazing person to be in my life, after the births of my children. I KNOW that doesn’t happen to most people.
Confusion, Daily Journal, Dealing, Dreams, Florida, Free Writing, Friends, Friendship, Grateful, Gratefulness, Gratitude, Healing, Honesty, Hope, Journal, Life, Living, Love, Reality, Relationships, Thankful, Thanks, Turth, Understanding
Ever since my weekend with Florida, my dreams have changed. And not in subtle ways. I have water in my dreams. Some find this normal. The water in my dreams was always muddy brown. It was always on the verge of bursting its boundaries-a muddy pond on the verge of spilling over the edge into the street, or a muddy ditch with fast flowing water. It was always out of reach, but I knew the water was cold-like cold lake water in the middle of July. I could never find any definitive definition for the dark brown water in dream “dictionaries”, so I wasn’t really able to understand WHY it was there.
Then this summer I had one of the most terrifying dreams in my life. I dreamt there was a flash flood-the muddy brown water came rushing down the street and swept my car up and pinned it against a guard rail. I couldn’t get out. I climbed to the back and tried to bust out the windows. My car filled with water and started to sink nose first, the back-end bobbing out like the Titanic. The water filled my car, but it wasn’t cold, it was warm, like bath water. It came up and up and up, and I took a breath, closed my eyes, and the water engulfed me, taking me down to the darkness. I also dreamt that night that DB weaseled his way back into my life, using his superior manipulation skills to trick me into thinking he had changed and that I needed him. Needless to say I woke with a jolt and texted BBF ASAP! She was as freaked as I was, but she was able to make more sense of it. That pretty much the person I was died then, and that I don’t have to compete with or worry about her anymore. God I’m so thankful for her.
So, when I dream-which isn’t very often anymore that I can remember-the water in my dreams is clear and warm. It doesn’t make me feel scared or out of control. I feel, refreshed, cleansed, ready and accepting of what’s to come. And it’s been since the weekend I spent with Florida. That first night together my water dreams changed. The water was clear and warm and I felt like a kid when I played in the water from the hose. I still remember my aunt being there, my grandparents were alive, and we walked around a house that was somewhat familiar to me. I felt peaceful and HAPPY. Since I’ve come back, the water dreams continue. but there are somethings that are out o f place. Like I was in the kitchen of our first house my parents had has a little girl, it was night and there was a thunderstorm, and it was so GREEN outside when the lightning flashed. Last night’s dream was, just…WEIRD. I was with Florida and I THINK BBF and her man. Florida and I were holding hands and loving on each-other and we were HAPPY and PEACEFUL-I can still feel that feeling of completeness 7 hours later-and it rained. We were all in the ran laughing and having a good time, walking through the addition. I saw my ex’s mom and asked how she was and what her last name was now-she had been married, I THINK 8 times by the time I had ended things. I was nice about it, but it still wasn’t very nice in general. I remember looking down the road and seeing what looked like a “tidal wave” coming down the street. Think of the wave of water that chases down Ron and Hermione in The Deathly Hallows Part 2. That’s what it looked like. It wasn’t sinister, and I knew it was just coming to cleanse things. Here it came, we all held hands and waited as it washed over us, and we all laughed HUGE belly laughs and hugged and high-fived and kissed-well, I kissed Florida and BBF kissed her man. No lines were crossed-and we walked off into the sunset towards whatever awaited at the end of where we are going.
It’s just so WEIRD, that all my life I had these cold, muddy brown water dreams, and a little over two months ago they all changed! It’s warm, clear, refreshing and cleansing water now. I play in the rain, i wade out into the ocean, I spray my loved ones with the hose. And it’s another thing I have to thank Florida for. Because he really has had that kind of impact on me. That he has changed my perception of so much in such a short time.