*Written Friday night while I lay in bed feeling the grief and guilt smother and consume me…and it was all set off by 5 hours at the tire place.
I’ve had way too much caffeine today. Even with my night meds I’m gritting my teeth worse, I’m fidgety and I’m squeezing my poor otter to death. I’m stuck in the never ending loop. Survivors Guilt, Not Doing Enough Guilt, Still Living Guilt. Fuck it sucks, man.
It’s been a week and it feels like yesterday I got that call. 2 days in bed, barely functioning enough to take my meds, couldn’t really muster up energy to see how my kids were. Eating 3/4 of a box of Cinnamon Life in my blanket fort, then nothing else that day. My mom scared to leave me alone, Daddy checking on me. The hours of sleep that still made me feel exhausted plus alone.
I feel alone in a crowded room. Like I did at Shawna’s service. All those people there to remember her and support her family, and I felt as if it were just me there, the loss is that great. I have accepted she’s gone. I don’t like it, but it’s the truth. And it fucking hurts.
Then it starts the hamster wheel of death going in my head about what I can do now-which isn’t much-but I’m still alive and here-which in turn intensifies the guilt that I am still here for my kids and Darrin and Devin lost their mom. Sharon and Jerry lost their child-even though she’s an adult she’s still their child.
It’s a lonely and isolating feeling knowing you are the last person they reach out too. It adds to the guilt. All of it makes me feel isolated, like I can’t connect with anyone on a physical level. I feel like there’s a veil between me and humanity…
Yesterday (Saturday) was awful. I could not for the life of me get out of bed to take care of the kids, let alone myself. I reached out to DB and told him I needed help. I text Sis and said pretty much the same thing. I was paralyzed in my bed with the grief and losses of loved ones too close together. She rescued me and took me and Monkey to see the “Ed Sheeran in Concert at Wembly Stadium” which was very nice. I took my meds with me and I did surprisingly well. Maybe because it was dark and cool in there, and I didn’t have to think or acknowledge my fragile emotional state.
I mustered up some energy to go look for the kids’ Halloween costumes-they are doing cosplay! They are so creative ❤️ We hit pay dirt at 5 below, and DB came to get their stuff. We hit up Party City for a few more things, where my children proceeded to scare me with clown masks. Little fuckers (I can say that because they AND their dad know of my fear/hate of clowns). I then began to feel closed in and overstimulated and DB noticed and wrangled the kids to checkout. One last stop at Goodwill, and their cosplay costumes are complete. DB paid for it all-as he has them on Halloween for his weekend AND I put him on blast letting him know it was HIS turn for Halloween. Zero arguements. I invited him over for dinner as a thank you, but he was going to a movie. So I enjoyed 2 HUGE helpings of lasagna and pretty much a half loaf of garlic bread. I needed the carbs. I was finally able to see Transformers: Age of Extinction while eating my dinner in bed-well, mom and dad’s bed. We were all in bed around midnight.
I woke about 7 and said “Fuck this shit! I deserve more sleep after yesterday! 1 Buspar on board, 2 Tylenol and back under the covers I went until a little before 11. Today you would never had been able to tell that I was a blubbering mess the day before. Beds were made, house vacuumed, kids cleaned their messes and NSLM did his own laundry. Shocked? I’m not because I told him I refuse to do his laundry anymore since he can’t hit the hamper, AND because he is 13 years old. He also unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and took out the trash. OMG A PARENT THAT MAKES HER KIDS DO CHORES?! THE HORROR…THE HORROR!
I then took Toothless and Pinkie Pie to Build-A-Bear for some patching up, then ventured down to Edingburg to the Coach store about my purse. I got an in store credit of about $120-woohoo!-then went to pick up my mom. She had a girls weekend in Sturgis for her friend’s 50th birthday. Dad made fajitas for dinner and I invited DB over, again as a thank you for Saturday. I also let him know I’m going out of town the week of New Years and said he’s on kid duty. His response: I’m working. MINE: not my problem, you figure it out. I’m taking a week to myself. And MayMay and Papaw get a vacation in their own home!
So as I finish this post, which I won’t post until tomorrow after a read through sans night meds, I’m reminded what Andrew said: Our country and society see it as a weakness, a bad thing to mourn those we lose. You are gonna have good days and I’m gonna have über shitty days. Take them as they come, don’t rush your grief. And you know what? You were special and loved so much that you were the last one she called. You two had that kind of a bond.
Thank you, Andrew, for helping me through that dark day, Saturday. You are becoming a true and close friend, and I’m lucky to have stumbled across your path. I love ya, Buddy. (But not that way ;p)