It’s a beautiful day here today and I can’t fucking enjoy it. Im wallowing in such a deep pit of worthlessness that I don’t want to do anything other than curl up under the blanket and shut out the world.
I had a run in with DB. He always makes me feel like shit when we “talk”. It’s always about what I didn’t do and how I took away his daughter’s first everything because I made him work. How I forced him to work to “provide for the family”, but he’s the first to admit he bought his PS2 and bikes because he worked hard and he deserved those. How I use my bipolar mental “illness” to not take care of what I needed too. That im being selfish for going to Florida and not paying my bills, that I have always been about me first and everyone and everything else. That I enjoy mooching off of everyone.
I hate it. I hate that I can’t stand on my own and take care of myself. I hate that my family enables me and when I really try to take control of my life, I’m beaten down and told I can’t do it. That I’m worthless and a failure and I’ll never amount to anything, that I’ll always depend on others to take care of me.
And right now, I feel it. I feel like a failure and worthless and that I’m less than nothing and I’ll never amount to anything other than another body taking up precious space and air for those people that do lead productive positive lives. I feel like utter and complete shit.
And DB is the fucking trigger to it. Because I let him get to me. Because I’m an emotional being and there’s not a rational neuron in my brain. I don’t think and process the way “normal people” do.
Maybe it’s time to be fed to the Sharks to see if I survive. I’m ok with that. Sometimes there doesn’t have to be a plan in order to survive. The glass doesn’t have to be half empty, and 2+2=4, but there are other ways to see it. The glass is half full-or there isn’t even a glass! 1+3=4, 4+0=4. There’s always another way to see things. I choose NOT to see life as half gone, I choose to see it as more to live. What the fuck is wrong with the way I choose to live to support my kids? I don’t have much of a choice for hours to work-I’ll take what I can get. I won’t get rid of my car just to turn around and get another piece of shit to dump more money into. I’ll fix Vivi-and im not asking anyone to pay for it. I WANT to do it on my own-im doing it on my own the best way I know how.
I’m so tired of people treating me like a child, then getting shitty when I don’t act like an adult. Such hypocracy. And they wonder why I want to wander off and take care of my kids without anyone around…