I can’t stop it.
It’s like a Ferris Wheel that’s stuck on full throttle.
And I’m getting scared.
I’m scared of what to do.
How do I get off of this thing??
I’m trying so damn HARD to move on from all the hurt and misery…and it’s 4 steps forward, a dozen back.
And it makes me so tired…I’m exhausted from it.
But I can’t sleep tonight.
I just keep thinking, thinking, thinking…
And I don’t WANT to think.
For once in my life I just want my brain to BE numb and empty and to be a void. Why is it that when I don’t want the void it’s there, and when I WANT the void it’s vacated its current place to a undisclosed location?!
I don’t have anything to make it stop.
No Xanax, NOT taking the Latuda, and I don’t know if I want to do an Ativan just to calm it down.
Now I just want to be numb…
I hate this. I HATE IT!
I’m sitting here, thinking of Florida. And DB. And Cute Neighbor Guy. What the holy fuck do I do?!
Sometimes I don’t know if it’s worth it to fight for it-for love.
Sometimes I think it’s better to be alone, so I won’t have to burden another partner with my mental fuckedupness. Sometimes I think I’m better off alone so I won’t have to watch my partner suffer when I do.
But maybe that’s because I haven’t had that love yet. But I did. I DO. But how do you fight for something when you are 1,000 miles apart, and the odds are stacked against you from the word “Go”? How do you let go when the other person decides to fight?
I’m torn, and confused, and lonely, and I can’t talk to anyone here-with my family because they don’t understand. Sis said to let it be a fond memory, and it truly is! I told her I don’t expect anyone to understand the dynamic of my relationship with Florida. She says she gets that. I told her I feel like fucking Bella, trying to fill the emptiness and the void..and I do-even if it’s just a character in a book and movie, and I relate to that darkness she was in. But I’m not living vicariously though.
I’m trying to do all of these positive things…and I feel like NOTHING helps. The only things that help are talking to Florida and Cute Neighbor Guy…and being civil to DB…
Great, NOW here come the waterworks…clown shoes.
I just can’t DEAL with this shit right now. Too many steps back…trying to dismount a ferris wheel at full speed and no net to catch me…I’m really fucking scared. Scared of falling, and scared of getting hurt-again-but I can’t tell if it’s from all three guys, or 1 in particular.
I just know I’m gonna get hurt.
And I’m tired of getting hurt…
And getting my heart broken by the guys that SAY they love me…
Is it time to walk away from them completely and try to move on?
Just tired of the round and round I go…where it stops, only everyone else knows.