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I don’t feel anything, really, today. I’m not numb-at least that’s a feeling. I don’t feel nothing-that’s a feeling of something. I’m empty. There’s nothing in me today. I feel like an old Folgers coffee can-the metal kind that when you bang the bottom is gives you a twangy kind of pong sound back to you. There’s just…space. For once.
My hamster isn’t running fruitlessly in her wheel trying to keep up with the rapid fire thoughts of my ADHD daily routine. There’s no fluff getting stuck in her expensive wheel jamming thoughts like logs at a dam. It’s just empty space. There’s nothing to think about or ponder or be happy or sad or even ANGRY at or over. At least with nothing I can usually follow the carrot back to a reason for the nothing.
I woke up like this today. I dreamt of my Gramma. She was driving a Buick the same color as her beautiful grey hair. It’s so odd because my Gramma hadn’t driven in YEARS! I just remember seeing her driving by on the road and I was like “Oh look. There goes Gramma.” No “Wonder where she’s going?” or “Wait for me Gramma!” as I run after her. Just a Gramma drive-by.
I can’t decide if I like the empty space today. Today is a day I wanted to make a video for Florida then put it on a flash-drive, then send the envelope in a box of goodies for BBF. But I can’t. Because there’s emptiness inside today. No emotions. No thinking or planning. Just being. Sometimes it happens after a crash, the emptiness. Most times I appreciate it, relish it, thank it. Some times I hate it. Today-not a thing. I can’t hate or appreciate it. I can’t anything today. I can’t even be kinda happy or kinda sad. I just….
And it’s kinda fucking frustrating. I need to take care of shit. I need to do the dishes and vacuum-with my good arm, anyway. I did manage to fold the laundry I did last week. It’s still not put away, but folded at least. That took more mental energy than physical energy. I hate days like these when the thinking burns more calories than doing the actual work. I’m sitting in my car yawning from the taxing mental work it’s taking on my brain to do this post, not from the physical peckitty-peckitty across the screen. I can’t even bring myself to change the radio station because the thought of making myself listen to the words makes me exhausted.
Being so damn emotional fucking sucks big bull balls. Not because of how I feel DURING the chaos, but how my fucking body feels AFTERWARDS. Like I’ve worked 2 weeks straight with no time off. I need a vacation from my plummet…ok I just had a TWINGE of sadness for not being able to go to Florida, but it’s ok. It’s gone now. Whew! That had me worried. Aawwww! My little man fell asleep while we wait on his sister. That’s enough of the sweetness. I guess emotions are making me even more sarcastic today-if that’s even possible. Well, at least I’m starting to bounce around different subjects.
But I’m still empty like that metal Folgers can.