I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Even after taking my night-time meds I lie there and I think of my marriage and my husband and I’ve come to the realization, that I miss him. A lot. I miss my husband, and I want to fight for my marriage. Maybe taking a break is what we really needed. I’m finally at a REALLY good point in my life mentally and emotionally. I can’t say that I’m “stable” but I’m no longer all over the fucking place.
I’ve also come to realize that I am just as much at fault for the breakdown between us as he is. I am not an easy person to live with, and that’s not just the Bipolar. I am a bitch, because I don’t take shit. But-BUT I also was NOT medicated properly. It’s taken almost 10 years to get here, and he and I have been “together” for 11 years. I talked to my mom last night and we had a very good talk. I told her that even after everything he is a good man. And I’m remembering the happy times. That’s great considering I was holding on to so much hate and resentment. But I need to acknowledge that I was a contributing factor.
I am hoping to sit down with him and talk, REALLY talk about things, and to SINCERELY apologize to him. I want to fight for my marriage. I also know that in order for that to work he needs to educate himself about my mental illness and know that it’s NOT a copout for when I’m depressed and unmotivated. Or when I’m all over the place that I need to go to the doctor for a med tweak. I just really want my husband back. I miss him a lot.
Yesterday was 18 years that my Grampa passed away. And my mom and I didn’t fall apart. That’s a win in our books. Tomorrow is Gramma’s birthday, so we aren’t COMPLETELY out of the woods, but BOY HOWDY I can see the trees parting.
I updated to Windows 10 yesterday, and while it took Zoe 7 hours, it took me less than 2. Sorry chicky. I’m liking Edge, and Groove Music so far. I just wish my fonts were bigger.
The kids and I went and swam today-the humidity and the temperature were PERFECT today. I gave may a bath in the cooler-it was awesome, really-and I had such a wonderful time! We played bumper floats and NSLM and I laughed until my belly hurt. I told him I needed to tan my fat line. Maybe I can take the fat and put it in my boobs. And he says, “That’s…sooooo not sexy.” I LOVE my NSLM.
I deleted my Young Gun playlist from Spotify. I have a box to send to Alaska of all of those things that remind me of him. I deleted all the pictured from my desktop and hard drive, my video diaries and other pics are on a flash drive to send along with hard copy pics I had printed. I’m moving on-because I think my marriage deserves a second chance.
Oh, the lovely Zoe made me a pretty! I love her so! I love all the Volatile Femmes-even Chris 😉
Now, I must shower the chlorine and sweat and SPF 30 off before my kids bathe-cuz they take FOREVEERRRRRR.