This is the first bloom on Ma in 2 years. She didn’t bloom last year, and my last year was absolute shit. I’m taking this as a sign from all of my guardian angels that this year will be better.
Today, I turn 36. HOLY FUCK! THIRTY-FUCKING-SIX! I actually feel that after all the upheaval starting last April I lost a year of my life. And I look and I see that I have. I went know where. I wasn’t stagnant or rebelling against it all. I was truly and actually dead inside. So much had and has happened. I’ve made tremendous growth and fallen many MANY times. But I look back over the last year and I can see, I never let it kill me.
Yes I have been depressed and manic, over and under medicated, and seriously contemplated taking my life April 3 as I sat on my Grandpatents headstone with 17 Xanax pills in my hand wondering how my life would continue if I didn’t have my husband, another half of myself. That was one of the lowest points in my life. But I fought back.
I have come to realize the other part of self I have been missing has nothing to do with another person, but with myself and the lacking of wholeness I have felt from an early age. I know that I have made great strides in acknowledging this and working on it so that I can be a better Shannon, a Feistier Sass-if that’s possible!
I have come to accept the things I have done wrong and while I can’t completely atone for them, I have apologized and asked for forgiveness, and I have accepted that some of the forgiveness may not come. That’s been a bitter pill to swallow as I have always been a people pleaser, and thinking my only validation came from them. My validation comes from one person and place only: me and my heart. My happiness is only contingent on my own self.
I have grown a lot this past year in ways I never knew i could even BEGIN to fathom or understand until I was in the thick of it. I have experienced a lot of loss, and while I am still in the throes of grief, each day gets a millimeter better, a tiny ray of Sunshine through the darkness I have been walking for 18 months.
Today I celebrate a better year, a better me, and for things that were impossible last year to be possible this year. And it always helps I get to do so with my birthday treat from Starbucks in a Red Cup!
Thank you to my WP friends for being there: Morgue, Diane, Zoe (Pluto) for all the animal hybrids and uses for Barbed Wired Dildos, The Ever AHMAYZING Blah whilst told me I was psychotic and needed help-I will come and we shall have tea, to Chris for giving my first guest post blog-you are an amazing man and I am PROUD to call you my friend! To Alf for all the support and for being the ONLY who got my Party Girl quote, and being a fucking inspiration to me ❤️. And last but FAR from least, my buddy Andrew. There aren’t enough big words in my head to explain how grateful I am for you. We are able to bounce things off each other and we can be raw and truthful and honest without illiciting overwhelming emotions. Thank you. Thank you to ALL of you that follow me even though I started my blog just to vent, and NEVER in my wildest dreams did I EVER imagine I would find such fucking badass people and friends. I love you all!
HERE’S TO 36 BEING OND BADASS FUCKING YEAR!!
9 years ago, at 3:35 am, I brought forth my second child, my daughter, into this world. She was beautiful even all mucked up and swollen and sqidgy eyed. My little red headed baby girl took her damn sweet time on getting here. It’s her schedule, not mine.
Now, 9 years have passed with lots of scrapes, bumps and bruises, hurt feelings and a broken heart from the loss of her piggies and her fishes. She has grown into an amazing young lady, full of questions and a very independent person. She is vibrant and full of life and is fearless. She has so much courage to try new things and isn’t afraid to ask questions to expand her knowledge. She will fight to the death for her family-especially her brother. I am so extremely proud of her.
Happy 9th Birthday, Monkey. I love you!