I did. I really and truly wanted to die. And I had it all planned out. I was going to find and put away the laundry then take a shower. I was going to wash my hair with my best shampoo and conditioner and use my favorite body wash and lotion. I was going to shave my legs and clean up my eyes brows and even give myself a little pedicure. I was going to come into my room, lock the door and put on some comfy clothes but leave my bra off incase CPR needed to be administered (not that anyone would have checked on me).
And I was going to swallow a handful of my klonopin and wash it down with my Black Grouse and hope that it would all finally stop and I would have some fucking peace in my god damn life for once. Because even while I fight tooth and fucking nail for my sanity, right now it’s not enough.
I’m so fucking tired. I’m tired of pretending for everyone else that I’m ok. I’m tired of being mentally and physically exhausted every fucking day. I’m tired of being treated like a child then expected to be an adult. And I’m fucking tired of being over ruled as the parent to my children. And I’m tired of giving everything i can to my kids who have become ungrateful human beings who have taken me for granted.
And that shit fucking hurts. It hurts so fucking bad that I just want to walk away from it all. Since everyone else seems to be an expert on my life, then they can fucking deal with what I handle every day. Fine, you can raise my kids since you think you’ll do a better job. Fine. YOU can come in here and disrespect me as a parent because it’s not convenient for you to get your head out of your ass and not follow the schedule. FINE! YOU DEAL WITH THE DEATH OF YOUR OLDEST AND BEST FRIEND EVERY FUCKING DAY KNOWING YOU ARE THE LAST PERSON THEY TALKED TOO AND TELL ME TO GET OVER IT.
FUCK. YOU. FUCK! YOU!
I am so tired of fucking TRYING and fighting every god damn day to not fucking drown. And no one, not one fucking person around me sees me struggling to just fucking MAINTAIN! But they’ll be the first to point out how “lazy” I am, and how I don’t take care of my kids, or how I’m on skype all the time. But OH NO! Don’t point that finger back because that’s not fair.
I am in a pervasive depression that I can not escape from and it’s so bad, that I no longer care if I come out of it. I just do. not. care. anymore. I don’t care about working. I don’t care about having surgery anymore. I don’t care about my work comp case. I. Do. Not. Care. I want to curl into a ball and die. I want to let the blackness swallow me and rid this earth of me. And tomorrow will be another shitty “Mother’s Day”. Yay.
And they say I’m ok….