This one isn’t so disheartening. Diane is still struggling, and her doc wants to see her back in about 3 weeks. She started another med Vrylar (?) and the doc is hoping when she comes back she will be a little better. She just wanted to let everyone know she’s still here,just really having a hard time and struggling, but she is reading posts just not commenting.
So if y’all could stop by and just give her some encouraging words or just to let her know she is missed and loved, that would be amazeballs. This tribe is so badass. Thank you thank you thank you!
It’s Sass’s turn to speak her piece.
I’ve had a rough week. Nothing like sitting in your doctor’s office for your pre-surgery visit when you find out you’ve lost another friend to suicide. You’ve got all kinds of questions banging around in your head. That’s 2 in less than 11 months. It fucking sucks. Though Ulla and I didn’t correspond like alot of you guys, I still consider her my friend, even if loosely based. I have closer friendships here than out in the real world. Anyway…
I read those sorrowful words and sat crying waiting to get registered for labs. And I wasn’t crying so much for the fact that she made her decision, I was crying for the fact we lost our Tribal Leader. Because, in essence, she was. She was the one who we kind of all flocked too, like chicks to a mother hen, because she knew so much about so many things! Once she told me she just knew a little bit about alot of things. And that was her being modest. Her linkdumps were informative, shocking, and funny at times. She talked about putting the “Butch” into embroidery. I often wonder if she pulled it off?
There were MANY inside jokes between us tribespeople. There was orgasmic chocolate hand rolled on the legs of lesbians, syphilisporks, pegacorns, isporkacorns, riding giraffes through streets, and of course her dragon. Her dragon wasn’t for used for transport, I found out. He was quite testy.
Her love of art, poetry, Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit-Gandalf specifically, the beach with the sunrise and sunset and her beloved Solo. She got me with a Mark Rothko post. I became OBSESSED with learning about him, and he has a church in Texas-BEAUTIFUL place. I should go there as a salute to her. We talked about his work and how it can be seen as simplistic and complex, and you can even use it to explain bipolar with the way he uses the colors. Let me point out-I am not an art person. At. All. But this work she shared, spoke VOLUMES to me. And I’m fucking grateful she shared one of her favorite artists.
Her heart was so big and golden even while she was deep in the dark. She encouraged us when she had little encouragement herself. Even with the single word Strongs she was able to help any of us know we aren’t ever alone. Her dark, raw, real and true honesty made people sit back and really think about things from a different perspective. She was never one to bullshit or sugarcoat, and I don’t think she expected us to do so in return.
Yes, she struggled with the darkness and yes she talked about not wanting to live in that place anymore. It’s real and honest and part and parcel with Bipolar and depression, along with being treatment resistant and the medi-go-round and therapists and COUNTLESS asshole doctors. It fucking sucks that she isn’t here anymore. Am I angry? No, because she’s finally at peace and back with her dear mother whom was her world. Do I miss her? Fuck yes I do. Who wouldn’t miss her snappy comebacks and linkdumps and her honesty? I think we all fucking miss her for a myriad of reasons, no more or less than the next person.
She showed us all a little piece of her, and together, we get the whole picture. And today, we remember and love and honor her, and celebrate her life and her freedom. Jill, I hope she had that cheese sandwich.
Peace and Love, Dear Ulla. May you never have to smack anyone in the face with a barbed wired dildo. 💖
I saved a couple of email notifications on posts that really struck a chord with me from Blah’s page. Going through it a few minutes ago, I came across this one, and I think it’s perfect for all of us that are hurting. She always knew how she would leave this dark and weighted down planet. She even wrote about on her blog. While skimming her blog trying to find this post, I saw all her linkdumps, her raw honesty about Ward 13, and the struggle with her Bipolar II and the deep depression that consumed her beautiful soul. You’ll also find her safari pictures (I’m still jealous about the hippos) and if you look REALLY CLOSE AND HARD, in one picture you can see most of her beautiful face. *Particularly for DM*
ANYWAY. The whole point of this is that with the grief comes love, and with that love, we can “gentle the grief”. It’ll never ever fully go away. And why should it? ☆If you know anything about Blah, then you’ll know why this quote is right☆
“If this is love, I do not want it. Take it away, please! Why does it hurt so much?”
“Because it was real.”
Sail across the seas, to a green land.
Grief is the price we pay for love, quoth Queen Elizabeth II (and she definitely knows grief). You love, you lose, you grieve, you swear you’ll never love again, you love more. You’re h…
Source: love is a beautiful bruise
I can’t tell if there is some depression coming back or if I’m just bored. I have slept alot this weekend: two naps Saturday and today. Went to bed around 10 Friday night and slept until 930 Saturday morning. Napped from 530-9ish, then went to sleep at 11 Saturday night and was up around 730 this morning. Took a nap from 12ish to 130 when Florida called on his way to work this afternoon. I did manage to fold two loads of laundry and put them away, but that’s it on the productive front. I haven’t bothered to get dressed and I didn’t bother to put on glasses until almost 4 this afternoon when I finally managed to get myself something to eat (which was chicken fries and California blend veggies with cheese). I’ve been in my bed pretty much the majority of the day. Today would have been my Gramma’s 83 birthday, and 19 years since my Grampa was buried. He would be 94. His mom, my great Gramma G was 102 when she passed, I believe. She was a week shy of living in 3 different centuries. She was born in 1898. The things that have happened in the world.
I’ve been hurting on and off, taking advil and tylenol on the regular. Work has kept me busy, which I really do enjoy. Friday I didn’t get to eat lunch because of phone calls and faxes and charts and running here and there. I’m not complaining. I’m grateful to be working and getting experience on the other side of health care in DOC. It’s definitely different. I can tell you that I am tired every night from all of the walking and mental exertion during the week.
I guess today has been a recovery day. Then again, it’s a tough day. So maybe my mind told my body to take it easy today and let things come and go as they do. And they have. It the first time in a long time I haven’t cried for the losses of two special people in my life, but celebrated the joy of being in my life.
I still want to sleep, so maybe I’ll go to bed in an hour.
Well, tomorrow starts a new career path for me. I am starting my first day of my new job working in medical records at my local prison. Yes, I am now a contract employee for the Department of Corrections in my state. I am nervous and excited. Mostly nervous. My training last week was in a different part of the prison complex, though I will float between the two complexes. It’s nerve wracking to walk amount the offenders but I feel safer inside the prison than I do in my own home. Because they have everything to lose if the fuck up. I’m stoked about the pay as well, abs getting much needed clerical and Mexican office experience that I can use anywhere! That means when I move to Florida I can get a job and not be forced to just one area of work. Because keys face it, my shoulder isn’t going to allow me to work on the floor as a CNA.
I feel better than I did Sunday. I was off because I took my Rexulti late. It gave me brain fog most of the day Monday. I took it on time yesterday and today and I’m “fine” in the sense that I don’t feel like emotional shit. I THINK I’m close to baseline, then again I’m not sure what that even is anymore.
Florida and I are talking about moving in together. Yes, that’s a huge step, and even more so because he would move up here for about a year while I get experience at my new job. Plus, he’s having a hard time finding a job as an the college kids need their summer jobs. Up here there are so many warehouses getting a job is EASY. Pass a drug screen, speak English, you’re hired. So we can both written, save $, then move South and grant start living the life we want together.
Things are slowly starting to fall into place for once. Meds are good, working now, planning ahead. I’m pretty damn proud of myself. And I’m not drowning yet. I’m welcoming it with open arms, while I keep walking this new path.
Yesterday WordPress kindly informed me that I’ve been blogging for 2 years. Fuck, it’s been a rough and long two years. And E over at That’s What Anxious Mom Said did a post about blogging constipation and asked how many trashed blogs to posted blogs ratio did one have. And I can tell you I’ve had only 3 that were never published. EVER. Out of the 300+ posts (that includes reposts) I only trashed 3 blog posts. (According to my recent stats I have almost 400 posts now.)
Those were trashed because one was needed just as a random scratch paper/journal/write it down post. The other two ended up being forgotten and no longer relevant to what I wanted to post in the first place. So THEN that got me thinking about all the “followers” I have (262) and how many of them I follow back and who really read my posts and comment. And let’s face it. Out of 262, there’s truly only a handful that read, like and comment on my posts. I want to say THANK YOU to those of you that really know me, comment and like my pointless blog.
I started this blog as a way to rant and vent after my marriage fell apart and I couldn’t see Jane. What have I gained from this experience? That my marriage was never a real marriage in the first place. That the man I thought I knew I never did, and cheated our entire relationship. That I am so much better off and stronger than I was 2 years ago when I would cry myself to sleep and ask what I did to deserve this. And that answer is: I didn’t do anything to deserve it. What I DID deserve was to be tested beyond measure, a measure that most McMuggles or “normies” could NEVER handle, because they can’t ever adapt like someone with a mental affliction or chronic affliction can. Because we know our limits and still push ourselves because there are others counting on us-like our kids and/or spouses.
I’ve learned that I’m a Phoenix and I rise from the ashes again and again after every test I’m given, well, that is thrown at me by a major league pitcher. I’ve learned that what stock I put into my sham of a marriage I never should have done. I started to put that stock in something more important: myself. And when I did that, I grew in ways I never knew I could, and I found a love that I never knew I was capable of having, or believed I deserved. I’ve learned that it’s ok to have those really shitty days and it’s ok to allow myself to wallow in that, but not stay there. I’ve learned life really is fleeting and no amount of denial or pleading will keep a person here on earth when it’s their time to go. I’ve experienced the death of my oldest, closest and best friend of almost 30 years, the loss of a family member who had a substance abuse problem but finally got sober only for his heart to finally give way, and the sweet goodbye of a dearly loved grandparent in law who loved me like his own. I am going through tough times with work, but that even when I think I’m down, there’s always another road out there.
Most of all, I’ve made some amazing friends through WordPress that I wish I could take with me on a vacation so we can all sit around and talk about our issues without judgement and drink until we pass out, then wake up and talk about all the things we love and hate that have nothing to do with issues but life.
Most of all, I just want to REALLY thank those of you follow, read, like and comment on my posts, because sometimes those are the only times I can communicate with the outside world. Morgue, Leslie, Sarah, Tessa, Pieces, Blah, E, Diane, Beeps, DM, Vic and Chris. Thank you to those that like my posts but don’t comment. It means a lot that my posts garner a like from so many.
E, I’ll have to do a search terms post because I found one that is fucking HILARIOUS!
That’s all I’ve got for now. I’m always tired lately from my meds. Adding new meds when one’s body hasn’t fully adjusted to the others sucks ass. Ta-Ta for now my lovelies!
All my love-
So… Florida and I have been having alot of problems around communication, and the fact that I’ve been in such a pervasive depression. And tonight… Man. Tonight I REALLY wanted to run from our relationship because of a multitude of things that came to a cross roads. I’m not going to go into it, because we are still discussing this, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY needed this post tonight. We mental condition sufferers know that mindfulness only gets us so far. But when we are in those clear and lucid moments, these are the things we want to tell our partners, family and support system.
I’m going to share it with him later because for some godforsaken reason he loves me, and he feels as if he can save me from *waves hands* this. He can’t. No one can, really. But maybe, JUST MAYBE, this can help us later on down the road.
Helping a Suffering Partner – http://wp.me/p7bq2c-78
Did those of you that commented on my post, thank you so much. You all have no idea how much that helped me being to feel again.
What prompted this post was a fight that I had with Florida, about things that are very personal in nature that I will not post here. In essence, I emptied it all out-the elephant in the room, the tiny things, the medium things, the things that I have bitten my tongue on for months because I did not want to be the person that said vile and nasty things just to be a bitch.
And after I did release it all, I didn’t know how much of that I had been keeping inside, filling me with such negativity that nothing really good could be in there. There was no light that I pride myself on having. But also, I had a horrible reaction to the Wellbutrin immediate release I took. I was on it less than a week, and by day 5 I was bawling in the shower thinking of how better off the world and my kids would be if I weren’t here. Thank fucking god i was able to figure out if was the medicine and i managed to keep myself busy over the weekend. However it only enforced the negative inside. The negative was so bad that when Florida and i would talk or text, I found it irritating. I found everything irritating. Fucking meds. Fucking bipolar bullshit. I honestly can not wait to get the results from my genetic testing back so that we can figure this need shit out.
ANYWAY, so yeah, I unloaded my minigun tongue on Florida. And i felt completely void of all emotion. Did it help? Yes and no. Am I better today? Yes. I am ok.
Now I am going to go hook up the TV to my computer so that I can play Eve. Gamer Girl over here deserves to lose herself today as a reward for keeping it all in, having suicidal thoughts, and general adulting.
Thank you to all of my WordPress friends for all of your support. I love you all
A Tale Of A Few Kitties And A Car – http://wp.me/p1WYuZ-118
PLEASE HELP OUT MY DEAR AND AMAZING SINGLE MOM MORGUE! SHE WILL GIVE YOU THE SORRY OFF HER BACK TO HELP ANYONE OUT, DESPITE BEING A SINGLE MOM ON A FIXED DISABILITY INCOME. SHE IS A BADASS TAKING CARE OF HER DAUGHTER WITH NO HELP FROM THE DONOR OR FINANCIAL HELP FROM HER FAMILY. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF THE SACRED PEGACORN DONATE DONATE DONATE. ANYTHING WILL HELP HER TO TAKE CARE OF HER KITTEHS.
AND IF YOU DAY A DAMN NEGATIVE NASTY THING ABOUT HAVING CATS SHE CAN’T AFFORD FUCK OFF MY PAGE. SHE HAD THE BIGGEST AND KINDEST HEART DESPITE HER PRICKLY EXTERIOR AND SARCASTIC NATURE. HER KITTEHS ARE HER CRACK, HER STARBUCKS, THE ONES THAT COMFORT HER WHEN SHE IS AT HER LOWEST.
THANK YOU THANK YOU! AND FOR THOSE THAT SHARE AND DONATE, YOU WILL GET A NICE SHARE AND BOAT OF YOUR BLOG HERE IN SASSTOPIA! AND A DRINK YOU MY CHOICE!!