Tags
Emotions, Grief, Healing, Heartache, Heartbreak, Honesty, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Real, Truth
I’m struggling so bad emotionally. I can feel myself slipping down the slope. This is probably the first time in 2 or 3 years that I’ve c cycled into my November depression, and it’s scary. I can feel myself becoming more chaotic in my thinking and actions. My usual filter no longer exists when it comes to conversations with people-in person or in my head. I can feel myself splitting, cracking, hear that sounds of glass as it cracks before it shatters. My thoughts have become reckless in what they are trying to tell my body what to do. I usually spend my money on lots of silly things, things that I can’t really account spending money on. Or my body wants to lay in bed and do absolutely fuck all, because my mind has been all over the place and had physically exhausted me, but it won’t show down though to really rest. I’m awake between 5:30 & 6:00 almost every day-including weekends. I go into work early, and all I do is run around like a crazy woman there. And all I can think about it leaving when I get there and when can I come back when I leave. Fucked up, I know.
My fucked up brain is telling me to be as reckless as possible, to just say fuck all the shit that’s happened and go even bat shit crazier, “because I’m grieving” like it’s an excuse. I want to lash out and hurt the people who have hurt me and then cut then from my life like so many cancerous tumors.
I saw a new therapist last week, and I’ve decided that I want to do DBT therapy: 1) because I need too grieve, 2) because I want to heal and let go, 3) because I need something different in my life. The therapist was very impressed that I am so self aware, and was quite shocked at all of the meds and types of therapies I’ve attempted over the years. And he agrees that DBT is best for me-right now. Because I’ve had alot of trauma in my life, and that had led to ALL of the emotional responses I’ve had for as long as I can remember. So I have homework to do by Wednesday, and I’ve been putting it off for various reasons. Mostly because I don’t know if I can PHYSICALLY handle the emotions when I give them life-again. And I can’t concentrate most of the time. I feel so fractured…
I feel like I’ve been on this endless loop trying to get down a spiral staircase that is constantly moving in the opposite direction I’m going in. But I don’t fight it and I don’t turn around and go down to find another way up. It’s like I’ve told myself “It is what it is, and I’ll get there someday.”. What kind of shit has my brain accepted now?! This. All. Of. This. Like it’s the best my life will ever be anymore and not to fight it. But I can’t put the shattered pieces of my life back together because they’ll never fit. And I don’t want to look at my life as what it could have been in it’s former “glory” because that’s not living, hell it’s not even functioning. It’s taking up space, air, food, and time to only be a weight chained to my ankle keeping me from going outside my circular path I’ve now worn into the ground.
I still play Devil’s Advocate trying to help others see both sides of the story for the betterment of everyone. However, I have zero qualms telling you that you are being *insert descriptive cussing here* and not feel bad for keeping it 💯 as the kids say these days.
I think the thing that hurts as bad as losing my Daddy….
Losing my partner. Because I know I’m at one of my worst points in my almost 40-year-old-life. And if you can’t stand with me at my worst, you surely do not deserve me when I get to my best. And I get it, that everyone has their shit to go through, but when I have given so much of myself and I ask for help and all I’ve gotten is argument after argument after argument most because I’m not there when you need me… But you can’t let me go for your own selfish reasons only hurts me more in the end. I have been broken in ways I never knew were possible and I have given so much of myself for people who consciously took from me…. Those people don’t get to be mad or angry when I say “You don’t get the right.” I have no longer have a problem walking away and not turning back and feeling guilty.
Now if I could just get off this rotating spiral staircase…because I deserve better than this for myself.