There’s so much I want to write about, so much that I feel I MISSED while going through my Latarda haze. There are blog posts I KNOW I missed because I just started deleting everything in my inbox because I was overwhelmed at the THOUGHT of reading, I didn’t care what I was doing, NOR did I really REALIZE what I was doing. I do remember just clicking away one day-HUNDREDS of clicks…I was on auto pilot for months. I’m sitting here trying to think about that time frame, and all I can come up with is the week of Spring Break for the kids when I had the girls for 4 days-and I loved it, walking at Monkey’s Walk-A-Thon for her school…talking to NSLM’s Special Ed teacher from time to time…but there’s no real CLARITY. Scary. To think I FUNCTIONED like that around my children and DROVE THEM AROUND like that…I’m sitting here HORRIFIED by that realization! I could have hurt myself or someone else, but MY CHILDREN! God in Heaven WHY?! I’m feeling again. I’m angry and shocked and horrified and sad and pissed and bitchy and I’M FEELING EMOTIONS NOT JUST SAYING THEM!
So I have this amazing and wonderful blog I follow and I’m sure some of you follow them as well, and he follows me back. He’s a fucking BRILLIANT musician, creating Ambient music. And let me tell you guys, his music has been so cathartic to me the past few days. As us fellow MI-ers and CI-ers, we deal with all kinds of internal background noise. For me, it’s like a hive of bees constantly buzzing. It’s always there, buzz buzz buzzing away. It never really gets louder or quieter, it just is. Just a fact of my Bipolar 1 (ha! I almost typo-d Bipolar 12! NEW DSM CLASSIFICATION-Bipolar 12: Sassafrass! hehehe) ANYWAY, his music has been the smoke to my hive of bees, quieting them down in order for me to actually concentrate and focus. Who needs meds when I have my own musician friend that creates brilliant ambient music?! I just wanted to give him a MAJOR shout out on my blog. Scott, you fucking brilliant man, thank you for what you create. I am blessed and thankful to call you my friend. ❤
What else….um…OH! I’m going to keep working on Quarantine Diaries. I think it’s a good thing for me creatively outside of solely blogging my life. And I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback. And I also think that it’s important that my mental healthy journey can be written in other ways so that other people can grasp it-other than the IN YO FACE way that I write. Because let’s face it-not everyone can take a cup-o-Sass easily. I’m not here for everyone’s enjoyment or entertainment either. I’m here for me, my journey, my life. I’m gracious enough to sprinkle some happy with the realistic, but it’s all 100% honesty 1,000% of the time.
Let’s see…OHOHOH! Thank you Volatile Femmes for Checking on me through Whack-A-Do Island tour. Thank you Jeff for endless amounts of emails and imaginary mission impossible Nerf gun fights at work for me. Thanks to all the new followers that have yet to really see my work in action. MWAHAHAHAHA. And if you are those people that randomly click on blogs just to follow and not take anything from it, please unfollow me. I blog for myself 80% of the time and I hope that the other 20% people really take the things I write about seriously. I’m not here to earn a big blog “fan base”. I could really give two fucks about that. Again-this is for myself and my journey. I’ve made some AMAZING friends and discovered some badass and honest blogs. I am really not interested in pretty pictures or food-although Sarah you tease me with your reblogs of food 🙂 NOR do I want to read about everyone’s “happy happy happy” blah. I want real, honest, grit and truth. That’s what I blog, so that’s what I seek. Honesty. I am honest by default setting. Can’t change it, don’t wanna, couldn’t even if I tried. I’m encouraging to those that need it, compassionate to those that seek it, loving to those who want it. And I cuss all the time and I’m not going to stop just because someone(s) find it offensive. I am me. I am Sass. If you don’t like it, don’t follow. Simple as that.
I’m listening to Mumford & Sons play Bonnaroo via Redbull TV. It’s not the same as being there, but it’s close without all the fucking people. I’m kosher with that. Monkey and I had a WONDERFUL time at Hozier Thursday. He played our favorite songs-Arsonist’s Lullabye for me and Work Song for her, and that’s the song he closed with. She had a blast. She got a t-shirt and a poster, dinner with her Mama and Daddy before, and she had Mama-daughter time where we got our fingers and piggies did. We were about 50 people back from the stage and off to the right by the sidewalk so she had room to stake her claim on the ground. Toothless came along and she got TONS of people that talked to her just because of him. She said if he were real, he would love it. She’s just an amazing creature and human being and I am proud to be her Mama. I’m not so sure about being a mom to a teenaged boy/young man. It is constant D, D, D, D, D, D! I think it was easier when he was a toddler than it is now! ARGH! I had to threaten to cut ALL of his hair off-shave him bald-if he didn’t start washing his hair in the shower LIKE I TOLD HIM TO DO THE FIRST TIME. Use a wash cloth, wash your hair, wash your face, brush your teeth. Gimmie the Kindle, the iPod, the iPhone. For the love of all that’s HOLY WILL YOU JUST LISTEN! CHEESUS teenage angst. Dear lord I hope Monkey is easier than her brother when she gets to that age. And she’s only 8! Speed up the clock much, Sass?! LEEEEERRRRRD HAVE MERCY!
Tuesday was probably the lowest I’d felt-actually FELT-in a long time. And I sat down with my mom and I was honest and all kindsa boo-hoo hiccup sobbing cries and it was the best conversation I think I’d ever had with my mom. I think she might finally see a little better from my perspective why I’ve been so bad-besides the Latuda. There’s just been so much in my life…and I finally told her how I felt about a lot of things. I think the biggest thing was that I felt she never really had that much faith in me, that Gramma was my biggest supporter because she wasn’t there. I understood that she ans dad had to work, but the times I REALLY needed my mom, she wasn’t there. I think we have started a new path in our relationship. And I feel really good about that-optimistic. I’ve never been very optimistic in my life. Life is changing for the better. It takes time-GAWD I HATE hearing AND saying that-for changes to take root. Some people are lucky to get it early in life…some are lucky to get it late in life…some are lucky to get it at all. The same with love. A lot of us settle-and don’t act like we don’t, cuz you know I’m right. I fucking settled-I was afraid, but that goes along with the abuse. ANYWAY, very few are really lucky-fuckit BLESSED to find a real love in their life. I did. And not just the love I have for my kids, either. And age is not important. All that matters is what’s between two people. That’s all. Call me a Cougar and a MILF and Cradle Robber and all the shit you can throw at me. But can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror and say you have had a love in your life that made all the pieces of your fucked up existence make sense and have meaning? A love that you know will endure through time and space? I have. I was blessed enough for a moment in time to have that love. It’s a mark on my heart that I wear PROUDLY. So if you want to run your mouth about things you don’t know, you can seriously go fuck yourself and not follow my blog. Honesty, right there. This is my place. “My World, My Rules” And if you can name the movie that quote comes from, I’ll let you into my inner circle of Sassyness. hehehe
I’m up WAY past my bedtime. But I’m kid free, listening to great music, FEELING and BLOGGING! The dark clouds are parting and I’m taking full fucking advantage. AND MY BBF JUST TEXTED TO CHECK ON ME. Florida and I and BBF and I have connections that I don’t expect anyone else to get. It’s just what we have. I can’t wait to see her! OMG I HAVE HOPE! *tears of joy spring forth from my eyes* (sorry…there’s those mushy feelings again..ew they stink, sorry!) 😉 I’m “supposed” to have a lunch date with Cute Neighbor Guy this afternoon, but I have a feeling he’s gonna forget. It is what it is. And apparently he said he needs a better nickname on here other than Cute Neighbor Guy. So I’ll need some help here peeps. I said “It’s better than what the others are-they have States as their names and BLANK is Douchebag.” He laughed and has insisted he get a better name. Well shit. He’s cool, I like him. He’s honest and I don’t get that in person hardly at all.
Well, I think I’ve blogged my brain out-finally. Or at least for now. There it all is-chaos from my head, through my fingers to your eyes. All day, every day, my life, forever and ever and ever. But in the end, “You have no power over me” *Name that movie and I’ll give you a ride on Reggie and I promise to sheath his stabby horn 😉 Hehehe sarcasm and wits abound again! Woohoo!
I love my peeps. I really do hope people take something from my blog and don’t follow me just to say they mass follow people. Who even WANTS to do that? I need SUBSTANCE! I need books. Pay me and books and organic dark chocolate hand rolled on the legs of lesbians and we can be “friends” *wink wink*
So, sit back, buckle up for the Bipolar Coaster, and enjoy the show. If not, get the fuck outta line for someone that does.